My boyfriend was diagnosed this month with SEVERE sleep apnea. I know that stopping breathing for 10 seconds or more, 30 times an hour is diagnosed as severe. He stopped breathing 212 (yes, two hundred and twelve) 10 second+ periods over two hours, so that is an average of 106 times an hour. So I think it's safe to say it is very, very severe.

We have been together almost two years and have lived together for a year. After my constant nagging and urging and booking appointments and dragging him tooth and nail to these appointments he has been diagnosed. Now I have to fight him on wearing his CPAP machine (other treatment options are also being explored due to severity)

Basically, he is a different person. I feel so bad saying this, but he has become incompetent. He can't seem to do anything right. Like, if I asked him to go pick up two apples from the store, I'll receive 3 phone calls trying to figure out how to get them and then he'll come home with bananas. Obviously this is a made up situation, but you get the picture. He is irresponsible and unreliable. It seems to be very difficult for him to do simple things, such as making an important phone call or running an errand. I'll have to nag (which turns into fighting) to get him to accomplish even the little things. It is frustrating, and I have become more of a mother than a girlfriend. I feel like he is my little brother instead of my boyfriend. I've lost the feelings of respecting him as a man.

This sounds terrible and I really do love him more than anything and I want that chemistry and passion back. We've lost it due to me feeling like I'm the man of the house, and the housewife. I want to feel like I have a man that is capable of taking care of things, of being my partner. I don't know if he has lost some mental functioning due to sleep apnea, or if this is how he really is and I didn't notice in the "honeymoon" phase? If it's the apnea, I will be supportive and deal with it because it obviously is not his fault and he definitely deserves nothing but support. But it is hard to be supportive and not resent him for his actions (or lack thereof) when I'm not sure if it is sleep apnea or...well... him?

I research the effects of obstructive sleep apnea constantly and there really isn't much information on the mental effects. I know it contributes to memory loss and concentration problems but this seems to be a whole different ball game. He is unorganized and all over the place all the time. He is late for everything, nothing ever goes smoothly, anything that can go wrong seems to. His intellectual level seems to have dropped a lot. I am now paying the bills, cleaning the house, constantly on him trying to make him deal with any responsibilities he has and when I can't get him to do them, doing them for him. I'm not happy with the relationship but if the sleep apnea is causing all of this we'll make it work. I just need to know. I feel terrible. He has a heart of gold, loves me to pieces and really does try hard...just can't seem to accomplish much. He is 28 years old and is not fat but weighs a lot due to muscle. (235lbs, 5"11)

Has anyone else found these kinds of things with their partner? Did it get better with treatment? How much did it change your spouse's personality? Please give me insight so I can be the loving, wonderful girlfriend I was and not the resentful, nagging hag I've become. I need some light at the end of this tunnel! Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthier post and any advice will be greatly appreciated!!!

You sound like a tireless girlfriend. Until your boyfriend has be successfully treated for awhile (while it take some time to make up sleep debt and his body to heal) it is impossible to say what is causing his change in mental state. All of the symptoms you state can be cause by OSA, but they can also be independent of it. Another cognitive state beside the debilitating lack of concentration and focus is something called "brain fog" where your brain just seems clouded and cannot think. He seems to be experience all of these issues.

I wil say that imagine having a pillow put over your head multiple times thoughout the night for extended length of times. OSA is a true suffocation and that it was is happening to him. Hopefully he will get serious about his threrapy and start getting it to work for him. Forget the stereotypes about sleep apnea, There are men and women, thin and thick, old and young (see our pediatric forum), fit and not so fit. And, in one study of 405 men and women OSA patients, 30% did not even snore.

Here are some effects of untreated OSA:

The effects of untreated obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) are severe and systemic. Some of them are; increased blood pressure, increased risk of heart attack and stroke (from the constant cycling in and out of hypoxia and increased blood pressure), heart arrhythmias, nocturia (because the increased pressure in the right heart ventricle makes the body think there is too much blood volume so urine is produced), headaches (especially in the morning and probably due to hypoxia), fatigue (duh), memory and concentration problems, weight gain (sleep deprivation causes weight gain for several physiological reasons, one being the alteration of the hormones leptin and ghrelin), apnea induced seizures, there is a link to diabetes, there is a link to GERD, night sweats, depression, anxiety (each apneic event is a true suffocation and elicits the "Fight or Flight" adrenalin response), Fibromyalgia-like symptoms, impotence, decreased libido, relationship and job issues, car accidents, etc.

Vicki

I just wanted to give you some hope!!

I have very severe sleep deprivation and have done similar things to your boyfriend. As soon as I started having sleeping troubles, I was continually late for everything too. (Part of this may be due to the fact that when we're severely sleep deprived and therefore in zombie mode, time for us during the day goes by faster since we're so unaware.)

It is hard for me to do anything even the little things as well. Lack of sleep affects our hormones and both lack of sleep and hormone imbalance can kill our motivation! I understand the grocery store example and have problem dealt with the same thing! I used to be a pretty reliable person, but when you're dealing with an untreated sleeping disorder, its extremely hard to be reliable because of the exhaustion level. What seems like him being irresponsible is also most likely cognitive difficulties from the sleep apnea making it hard for him to remember things, organize, etc.

Hey GirlFriend - you really are a supportive sweetie, I'll give you that. Maybe BF (boyfriend) should take my totally uncaring ex-wife and ....
Anyway. Good for you; and, I really was just kidding. There are a couple of cougars I'm trying to track down up here in ski country.
BF's numbers sound horrid but then they all do. BFs weight or bmi don't matter too much, what matters is where the fat (or muscle) is and what it likes to do at night. Double chin? Hmmm. Neck size over 17? Hmmm. You get my drift? But none of that is really for you to worry about - it's for him. But, you say, he's operating with only 1/2 a brain. Actually, probably less. All the symptoms you describe were also described for victims of ChiCom sleep deprivation torture ( ok so the CIA and FBI and others do it too - it's still torture). This might be a good time to ask BF is there's anything he'd like to CONFESS DAMMIT CONFESS. Whoops - got a little carried away there.
There is good news. Sort of. Of course, BF really needs to do the standard drill first - proper sleep hygiene - Early to Bed, Early to Rise, really can make a man Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise (or at least not quite so stupid). That done, the CPAP drill done religiously, and you rewarding same with some serious GIRLfriend stuff - a) if y'all are really doing that then he's got to be improving; b) if not improving or too slowly, whatever, the problem persisting it is time to turn to our old friend the drug dealer --- no, no, no STRIKE THAT - I meant the Doctor and the Pharmacist. Taking what I say next as a prescription can easily turn into a Death Sentence so Don't Do It without a good doctor on board. You can google for "nootropics" and with a little work find everything I do. Of course, I also look at clinical trials etc. etc. and all that stuff can be found through pubmed, medline, etc. -- I use those resources plus a few little tricks I've learned over the years. Somewhere along the line you'll find pointers to these chemicals - DANGER ZONE - stop reading now. Selegiline (deprenyl, anipril (they give it to dogs who are losing it), amantadine, and a whole bunch of stims and anti-depressants that also help cognitive functioning. Look at stuff that's prescribed for alzheimers - a lost mind (or cognitive function) is still a lost mind regardless of cause.
Then there are the stupid making drugs; i.e. they make BF stupid. That's besides the alcohol. Almost all sleeping pills fall in this category. Benzodiazepines (valium and it's kin) are like knocking on death's door. Avoid downers. With maybe one or two exceptions. Exception number 1 is GammaHydroxyButyrate. I used to make this stuff in my kitchen sink for pennies a dose -and that was with the highest possible grades of ingredients from a licensed chem distributor. Then they (the feds) made it a felony. Sigh. And being a good, law abiding citizen (with 3 great teen age kids and a seriously demented X) I complied. The price then went up to thousands per month. If BF's insurance will pay for XyRem - GET IT. Whoa - hold on there; once again I've gotten carried away. The XyREM/GHB works if and only if BF's brain has really gone bonkers. If his apneas/arousals are due to suffocating/strangling/true obstructed airway apneas --- well, those things have to be addressed first - what else because GHB and many other drugs could just KILL him.
Anyway, time to sign off and one or two things before I go.
1. The COUGARS I am tracking are the 4 legged kind. To track them I have to track their dinners and one thing led to another and so my hobby has become teaching myself how to track critters - in the mountains - at or near treeline. Summer is easy, This will be my first winter doing it. When I'm not skiing. Or being knocked into the ICU by idiots who don't know how to ski or ride.
2. Researching some stuff for your post got me back into doing something I really love doing. Thanks for that.
3. I have no qualifications to tell anybody what to do about anything. Anything. Treat my comments accordingly. And get BF to do all or at least most of the work. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. People make choices, he'll make his. And it really is OK - I totally believe that. And you'll make yours. Choices that is. [Moderated]
Grins and Leaves

I understand

Worried,
My hubby had the same brain fog that you're describing. When his symptoms were getting bad is when we had two small children (early elementary). It was frustrating for me because I needed help with homework, chores, baths, groceries ... all those things. He was foggy and I was getting pissed. He was then pissed at me and my bad attitude, so ....... you get the picture. He could concentrate on ONE thing - his job. It took all his energy to be focused and productive while at work, that there was nothing left for the family. He thought his behavior was fine, normal. Fast forward 6 years, we got the diagnosis, FINALLY BiPAP compliant! The mood and brain function have returned. There's room in his brain for his entire family. With luck and a lot of effort, he might be able to rebuild a relationship with his teenage son who really only remembers dad being an a**. He still doesn't admit his past bad behavior, but at least he's trying to build relationships now.

If you love your boyfriend, hang in there and try to get him to treat the SA. It takes awhile and a lot has to do with how willing he is to treat himself. The sooner you (both of you) treat this, this less likely you (personally) are to build up resentment. (this is where I really like the Southern terms: you and y'all!) The brain fog/incompetent behavior really does go away! You get back this great person you fell in love with! Please let us know how things are going.

SleepDepravity wrote -

sleepdeprivation wrote:@Lightheaded- Ok, I'm still severely sleep deprived and going through early menopause at 29 so excuse my stupidity- I can't even tell if you are a serious poster- LOL!
Something you said made so much sense to me. You mentioned that antidepressants help improve cognitive functioning. Did they help your cognitive function due to sleep deprivation? In what way?
But recently, I discovered that disorganized thoughts are also a symptom of sleep deprivation. So I thought maybe antidepressants do something besides helping depression or anxiety. Maybe they affect cognitive function as well. And then you mentioned it as well!

Well, SD, at first I thought your post was from WorriedGirlFriend and confusion went from high to stratospheric - I had to take or 8 anti-depressants to get my thinking back on the ground. Kidding - what did you expect - I really am not SERIOUS about anything much less posting but that's a Zen thing.
Anyway - the alarm bells in my head were so damn distracting I had to re-read the phrase "early menopause at 29" about 3.5 times. Hello - do we have an endocrinologist in the house? SD, I do know a bit about sleep deprivation and hormones but mostly my own flavor. That said, the pituitary does pretty much the same thing in most human varieties and it, the pituitary, is seriously (and negatively) affected by sleep deprivation. Fixing the sleep may help the m'pause. Paradoxically, fixing the hormones might help the sleep. Damn stuff is all entangled. Anyway, here's my take on drugs in general, anti-depressants in particular:
- depression is a catch-all phrase that describes a wildly variable set of symptoms. Eat too much - depressed. Eat too little depressed, sleep too much/too little - depressed. There is no specific disease entity that can be called depression. Just symptoms. Thinking more clearly can help - so a-d drugs may just help cognition and, voila, depression fades. Amazing.
- most psychoactive recreational drugs work just fine as anti--depressants. For a little while. The ones that are Rx-ed for cognitive functions can be found on any list of drugs for ADHD. I'd stay away from the amphetamines. I've got a scrip for ritalin and it works, sort of --- but stims are really only short term patches. And, if a patch is what you need, then a patch is what you need. No sense running flat - just destroys thing. Mood brightening is another key phrase. And ... ALL DRUGS WEAR OUT SOONER OR LATER.
- anyway - first things first - if you are serious about helping yourself, and you'd be amazed how many aren't, then you've got to do all the basics as best you can. Eat right, exercise right, get as lean and mean as you can. Of course, the problem is that severe sleep deprivation can seriously interfere with abilities in both those areas (and about 73 other areas). IMHO it's the commitment, your commitment, that carries the magic. OK - so, let's assume you're committed - you've also got to get straight with whatever hormone altering drugs you're already taking; e.g. any and all birth control meds etc.
- still here? OK - google search term: "nootropic". You'll see why.
- rx? my favorite starters are selegiline and amantadine. The a'dine is generally safe, has been used with traumatic brain injury (anything that helps TBI can/will help slp depriv). The selegiline taken straight requires dietary care (no chianti, no aged cheeses, etc. because of tyramine effect - i.e. it can kill you); there is a trans-dermal patch that's very, very low risk and I've developed a few personal trix over the years but that's another story. OK, I confess, I'm a selegiline fan - just love the stuff. It actually promotes the growth of neurons, has positive endocrine effects (hold me back boys I want to do more than dance ...) and actually extends the life span of lab rats (and makes old male rats really randy - grinning out loud)
- anything that promotes slow wave sleep can be helpful. This includes trazodone which is also an anti-anxiety style anti-depressant. SWS is when human growth hormone (HGH) is produced. If you've got a good endocrinologist you can have it measured and maybe get a shot.
- did I mention exercise? IMHO the best exercise for stimulating HGH production is leg presses to the point where you can only do 1 lift at a given weight; i.e. near exhaustion. Got that tip from The Arnold. It means putting a lot of weight on the machine - a lot. Start at 3x body weight and work up to 5x body weight. Note: just standing up is 1 body weight. Standing on 1 foot is 2 body weights - so 3 is sort of like jumping an inch or two off the ground. If this is a problem.... well, nobody said life was fair.
- benzos are bad; no xanax, valium, etc. etc. Effexor, wellbutrin, and a few others have an interesting kick --- and IMHO don't plan on a long affair with any of them; just enough to get you on track. But, what the heck do I know I haven't taken them all yet.
ENUF --- tomorrow is a Cougar Day I just know it. Tracking mountain lions at 10,000' - I love it.
.. p.s. to fellow MachoRats out there -- I regularly do between 5 & 7 x body weight and my lifetime max (but only once) is 1700+ pounds (LOL - but mostly at my smartassSelf).
ttfn

I am new to,the website but can link with you big time. [Moderated. Please refer to posting guidelines regarding patient blogs etc]

Wow...sounds like we're dealing with the same type of guy! Mine has also become imcompetent and unreliable. Of course he didn't start out that way, but as time progressed in the relationship he started to become lazy. After being diagnosed with sleep apnea 3 years ago, then low T last year, followed by depression, and a meniscal tear in his knee...he just became downright incompetent. He still works and helps pay bills - but that's about it. Won't clean, cook (other than in the microwave), or run errands - when he does decide to be responsible, he does what I call "half-assing it". He either doesn't put his full effort into it (think about a person running a race who walks like a turtle when everyone else is running) OR...he will purposely do things incorrectly or inefficiently in hopes that I will either do it for him, or just let it slide. If I confront him on his incompetentcy, he'll use the excuse of being "fatiuged" or forgetting, etc. Sound familiar? Seems to me that your bf likes the attention his "sickness" gets him - and he likes that he is completely unresponsible for ANYTHING in his life. From everything I have researched about sleep apnea (and I've done A LOT of research)...the condition can only affect your memory and concentration...it doesn't lower your IQ. If anything, he could have some brain damage due to a lack of oxygen...but that's a LONG shot. From what I remember from anatomy & physiology - it takes somewhere along the lines of being minutes without oxygen in order for it to cause brain damage. Hate to say it...but I think your bf is milking this and using it to be completely irresponsible, incompetent, and he's using it as an excuse to be a bad boyfriend too. I totally get it...like I said, mine has a lot of very similar characteristics. Makes you feel like bashing your head in a wall sometimes...

skye skye, T is a very important hormone for guys. His Low T in addition to the sleep apnea could very well be the cause of his behavior change. T is what gives guys their drive and ambition. Sleep apnea does not only affect your memory and concentration..maybe if you read more of the posts on this forum, it will help you understand. Among other things, it can affect your emotions to the point that one can't even feel empathy. He probably IS very fatigued and forgetful if his sleep apnea is still an issue. Why do you assume that it is an excuse? Not getting the proper deep sleep one needs does cause serious forgetfulness and fatigue. I think its awesome you are advocating for him by doing research, and research is awesome but many studies are very lacking. They aren't a substitute for real life experience. I don't think the op's boyfriend sounds irresponsible. He sounds like a guy who needs some good quality sleep. I know because I've been there.

sleepdeprivation: I fully understand how hormonal imbalances can affect the body. Likewise, I also understand the significance of testosterone in males. I'm not sure if you were commenting on my response regarding the poster's case or my response regarding my case. In the poster's case, her boyfriend has been diagnosed and has received a cpap for treatment of SEVERE SA. He is refusing to be compliant with the treatment which results in his continued "brain fog" and incompetency. I'm sorry, that IS irresponsible. From what the poster has said, he seems to be choosing to continue to feel this way due to refusing his treatment. If there is some kind of reason why he's not complying to treatment such as it not being comfortable, having a hard time adjusting to it, etc...then that is something that should be discussed with his doctor so that he can start receiving much needed treatment. Simply refusing treatment or refusing to seek help from a doctor to make the treatment more tolerable is irresponsible. He's not taking responsibility for his medical health, and yes - that is not only irresponsible and unhealthy; but it's also inconsiderate to his girlfriend who is clearly being effected by his continued symptoms. In my case, yes low T is an issue (which is being treated), but still feeling tired and fatigued even while on treatment is a huge red flag that something is not right. I'm not arguing that my bf is not legitimately fatigued, I truly believe that he is. The issue is that there has not been any steps taken to find out WHY he is still considerably fatigued while on treatment. It could be either the low T treatment not working or his SA treatment not working, but either way - the issue needs to be addressed. There is a choice in this situation - he can CHOOSE to speak with the doctor regarding the continued fatigue while on treatment, or he can CHOOSE to ignore it and continue to feel like !@#!...which also effects me. The medical disorder is not a choice, I fully understand that. No one desires to be ill or have medical conditions. However - the way a person handles their medical conditions IS a choice. Both the poster's situation and my own situation seem to stem around the fact that the person is not taking responsibility for their condition, and is not considering how that choice affects others. When you are the spouse of someone suffering from a medical condition, there is really nothing you can do to make them adhere to treatment. Sure, you can encourage them, try to make them see the positive side, but if that person refuses treatment - as a spouse, there is nothing you can do except leave them. (which isn't an option for me and many others). It can become quite frustrating when your relationship continues to be effected by symptoms or behaviors arising due to conditions not being treated. I'm not down playing anyone's symptoms or experiences, but people that aren't willing to take the necessary steps to ensure their health and maintain needed treatments cannot be placed in the same category as those who suffer negative symptoms beyond their own control. While I agree that both the poster's boyfriend and my own may be people who need some quality sleep, the reason they are not getting that needed sleep is due to their own choices. They both have the ability to receive the help needed to start feeling better, they just both choose not to. (for whatever reason that may be)

Sooooo, my soon to be husband in exactly two months has had his cpap machine for a few months now. I will give him this: he's a fisherman and is used to sleeping in less than perfect conditions do we were very lucky that from day one he LOVED his machine and uses it religiously. That being said, as it is now almost 4 am my time, I don't get much sleep anymore. I've been through a lot with this man, he is absolutely my best friend, but I never thought I would be in a relationship where sleeping in the same bed would basically be impossible. He always feels so horrible about everything in the morning because he knows I don't get enough sleep ( I work at Starbucks sooooo 330am is my wake up call) but its come to the point where we have to consider a two bedroom apartment so I can have my own place to sleep. I'm lucky to have this man in my life, it's just hard that at the age of 25 when things should still be in the honeymoon phase, this damn machine and condition have effectively taken away what I consider to be a very intimate part of my relationship and life.
Long story short, I feel your pain

Hi SFgrad2012,

If you don't mind me asking, why is it you feel you can't sleep with him when he uses the machine? Is the sound of the machine or mask bothering you? Or is it that you're turned off by it?

I can't entirely relate because I use a cpap machine. But I've been in relationshops with men who also use the machine. In one case, when it was still a new relationship, I was too embarrassed to use my mask, but it didn't bother me that he used his. Maybe that's because I could relate to it, I suppose. We could still cuddle ... ok, maybe it wasn't as perfect as without this, but it was ok. And I much prefered being in bed with him and his mask than not. And the mask is for sleep, it doesn't have to ruin intimacy. But I know you don't want to hear it from me, given I use the mask too. (I'm still embarrassed to use it with someone new, I admit that) But you know, I'm alone now. So I guess other factors make me wish I had what you have. ..... Sorry for my comments. I don't want to keep you from venting, because I understand your point. I do understand that this is a strange situation to get used to. Good luck with everything.


Linda

Hi Linda,
No need to apologize for the comments at all, I think I should have been more clear.
Jon was an incredibly loud snorer before the machine and a major teeth grinder and would wake me up all the time. When he was finally diagnosed with SA, he got his machine and it was WONDERFUL. The machine was damn near silent and I was finally sleeping. But over time the mask would make the swoosh sound because he would constantly break the seal. So he just ordered a new type and that one does not fit so it constantly makes noises, and he's back to grinding again.
So a long drawn out answer, it's the sound that ruins it for me, he's very picky about where the machine is positioned too so it doesn't help he keeps it up on my headboard either :)
We have no problem cuddling beforehand, but as soon as that mask goes on, it's like a wind tunnel in my ears :(
I know it's something that can be worked on, it's just extremely frustrating right now, specially since our wedding is two months away and I'm stressing enough for both of us ;)

SFgrad2012: By your name here I get the impression that you're also a college student. Congrats on graduating :) I graduate this year too. I'm just curious why you are considering sleeping in another room? Does your fiance refuse to get another mask that is tolerable to you? If he's willing to try to adjust things to see if it might be more tolerable to you, I'd definately suggest that before you resort to sleeping in seperate rooms. Just a word of advice coming from someone who thought sleeping in seperate rooms would make things better: it's likely that once you start sleeping in a different room your fiance will stop trying to find a solution to the noise problem at night. If he knows you are sleeping soundly at night (even if it's in a seperate room) - he might not think it's that important to continue trying to adjust masks,machine placement, etc so that you will be able to sleep in bed together again. As least that is what happened to me. I don't know much about your relationship, but I just wanted to share my experience with the sleeping in seperate rooms. I know each couple is different, and sleeping in seperate rooms does work for some (wish it did for me). I'm not trying to be completely negative or anything, I just wanted you to know that it might not end up exactly like you had hoped for. I honest to God thought that sleeping in seperate rooms would motivate my bf to do anything to get me back in his bed...needless to say I was very disappointed and surprised when he just quit searching for solutions so that we could sleep together. On another note, from information I have gathered here on this site (and thanks to robysue): apparently the placement of the tubes and the machine can have a BIG impact on noise. Depending on where the machine and tubes are placed, sounds can actually be conducted straight through your skull and into your ears! That makes the noise even louder to you and pretty nothing you do (except move the machine or tubes) will make the noise better. You said that the machine is on the headboard, that sounds like it could be affecting the loudness of noise you hear. I would see if your fiance would agree to moving the machine to see if that alleviates some of the noise. Just a thought. Anything is better than sleeping in seperate rooms, trust me.