A few years ago my husband tried a dental appliance and a CPAP device and he could not tolerate either. Then, magically, for awhile his sleep seemed better. Now it is not.

I am lonely. His snoring is bad and I must sleep elsewhere. He goes to bed well before I do. When he is awake he looks like he wants to sleep.

Tonight he fell asleep tonight before my 14 year old son went to bed. He was sound asleep at 8:30 Pm. Last night he fell asleep at 9:30 PM. He is exhausted all the time. He sleeps frequently on Saturday afternoons.

He had braces when he was younger but it is clear he still has a bad overbite.

He rides his bike to work and back each day and he is more fit than ever. Meanwhile, I've gained weight. I am not overweight but I will be soon. I feel so isolated. Why not sin with chocolate? Why not have an affair with sweets?

 We moved to a new state and I do not have a job. My son is doing OK in school, but not great. A kid left a prank phone call on my son's cell phone last Saturday and it was so vicious I want him to attend a new school now. It is clear that someone is bullying my son.

I wish we had some hope for a sleep apnea solution.  

How many books must I read? I have made friends with a couple of people but they have jobs during the day. I need a companion, not someone who is asleep whenever he is home. I need someone to share parenting, not someone who is napping and snoring. I feel terribly guilty whining and complaining. I just do not know how to solve this problem. We've been married since 1984.  I would welcome suggestions or at least a joke or two. Please chat back. Please give me the feeling of dialogue. Thanks.
Having a Pity Party,
TCMG

Sure, I will chit chat with you.

I can also relate too what you've said.

I've never had a *normal* marriage as far as mutual times available. My husband has always had these God Awful early morning jobs as in start at 3-4 am which means early to bed for him.

It took me a loooong time to come to grips with it... learning to be *the Married Widow* as I used to be called.... but eventually, I did master it.  The price I've paid for that is now being to independent for my own good. I am so used to being on my own so to say, going places by myself, doing things to keep myself entertained etc.

I pretty much raised our children. Dinner at 5 to 6 and Dad to bed no later than 7:30.

The perks continued once we were both in bed. He snored and still does (until 3 weeks ago) something terrible. For 3 years, up until we moved into the home we have now, I slept far away from him in another room in another part of the house.... and he was up and down 5-7 times a night.

Since we've moved, I have no place to run/hide from the snoring. Long story short,  I was diagnosed with OSA in October 07 and now my husband FINALLY ! !  was tested and he has it also and is now trying to get used to the mask etc.
I took to it from minute one, but he's trying to cope with his.

So here we are... made it through all the time zone difficulties and we are 2 hoseheads sharing the bed with 2 dogs that sleep like bricks and won't move.  

Tell me life isn't grand !  

I can understand your lonliness, but you can overcome that... takes a lot of work and effort especially when dealing with anger about the situation at the same time.

Your light at the end of the tunnel is getting your husband into treatment - THEN things can change for you.

My husband was locked into his job (hours) so there was never to be a change for me.

Stick around.  Keep posting.  

Lot's of us know what you're going through. Lot's of has have and still are going through it.

I'm glad you had the confidence to post as you did. Lot's of people would not have expressed such honest emotions as you did.

Welcome to the forum... where all issues related to OSA/sleep difficulties are supported for the person with it and their spouses.


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Thanks for the support. You haven't any idea what it means to hear back from someone who has walked in my shoes...

Hubbie, er zombie,  just woke up to get some water. He gave me a hug. He said he might try some apnea remedies again but he didn't tolerate any of them the first time. Predictably, he's back in bed.

How can you stand the CPap thing? Gosh, it was just so LOUD.

I'll try to behave and try not to complain, but really now, who enjoys sleeping with Darth Vadar? Where is the fun?

Pity party ended,
Tcmg

Quote:

I'll try to behave and try not to complain, but really now, who enjoys sleeping with Darth Vadar? Where is the fun?

Do the complaining now so you can get it out of your system allowing you to move on to other areas that need to be coped with.

Sleeping with Darth Vadar... the fun?   Hmmmm... guess I'm no fun cuz I've got the Vadar toys... so does my husband now. For right now, the fun, the joy is in actually getting some sleep that is worth going to bed for. It's been so long for me since I've had 2 good nights sleep in a row pre CPAP. I'm still having some pressure problems that is keeping me from a good level of OSA therapy but this is being addressed now with new equipment being ordered for me. I should have it within a weeks time.

Noisy?  I don't notice the noise... but I wouldn't. I'm one of those polar bear people who like sleeping in a cold cold room... I mean cold as in 50 degress.  I have windows open and fans going. I've been like this for years and years.
The fan is a large one, window size, that I keep just 3 feet away from where I sleep in bed.... yes, running.  

So, the fan over the years is part of the white noise you hear so much about. In fact, a quiet room now almost hurts my ears  

The thing about having OSA or being the spouse of someone who does is that you have to take the not so nice with the eventual rewards.
If your husband gets the therapy he needs and he sticks with it, then YOU get to have your husband back to partner in your awake life.  The price you pay for getting what you want is for him to do his noisy Darth Vadar routine. His reward for your patience and acceptance of his condition will be that of a body that will start healing, the hopeful control of warding off all the side effects of OSA and an awake husband who finds life worth living again instead of sleeping it away.

Both of you will be required to change your attitudes and perspectives and to create new priorities.

When Ya get all this done, THEN ya can have that fun you want !!  


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TCMG,

I've walked in your shoes too.

Husband would go to bed by 8PM; one child that was a teenager, and one under 10.  He told me that if I wanted sex (he once told me it was unhygenic) I needed to go to bed by 8.  How do you go to sleep at that hour and raise teens? I moved into a separate bedroom too.  I handled all of the kid problems, too.

The only thing that brought good results for me was tape recording his lack of breathing. Then, and only then, after accusing me of complaining about nothing, did he go to a sleep lab.
Since then he has continuously worn a CPAP for about 20 years.  His energy improved dramatically.

I can honestly say that some machines are quieter than others.  He currently has a Remstar M series that is probably the most quiet machine we have tried thus far.  It's a softer sound than a fan.  I like it best of all of the machines he has used.  You could always get a wonderful set of ear plugs from the sporting goods dept if the sound continues to annoy you.  I think you're exhausted at this point.

I assume that you have explored different masks and machines.  Sometimes they will let you try out different machines on a rental basis before purchasing.  We settled on a gel mask that we can get cheaper over the internet than at our local provider.  It's about $50 via internet, but double that cost through our local CPAP provider.

You certainly do have a lot of issues with a tired husband, moving, and unhappy child.  Most schools have an anti-bullying program, but I really don't know how effective they are.  My children have cycled through various bullies, too.  It is very difficult.

There are quite a few wives who have endured this quietly.  There is hope if you can get him RE fitted and back on CPAP.  It makes a BIG difference when they get sleep.

Dianne



Last edited by Dianne on Fri Jan 18, 2008 6:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

Thanks for the replies.

My husband's snoring at night defintely sounts like Darth Vadar. I think I'll record it. Good thought.

We hope we can find something other than the CPAP. He was a worse mess after 2 nights with the CPAP. It was a failure for him.

We are moving to a brand new house. Maybe his allergies are bad right now. We live near the ocean and there was a problem with Red Tide. It seems to be gone but maybe it is still here. Maybe the allergies won't be as bad where we will live soon.

I think I am more vulnerable right now since I worry about my son. I do alot of worrying. I need to get some intense exercise. I am going to the gym right now. I feel so lucky to have found this group. You guys know what it is like to have these problems. THANKS for helping me.

Does anyone know if there anything other than the CPAP or a dental appliance? My husband neds a solution. He tried CPAP and he tried a dental appliance. He said he wont go for surgery to shrink his tongue.

Before he said he had the problem but now he is back in denial. He impatiently "shushed" me when I tried to talk to him about 40 minutes ago.  He said everyone goes to sleep before 10 PM and that i should get some sleep. My son had just gone to bed and I had hoped to talk with him.  I am starting to feel abandoned.

Sometimes when you talk to him his eyes go half mast and he looks like he's asleep. I have caught him falling asleep at the wheel and I have chewed him out royally. He was definitely diagnosed with sleep apnea but when he tried the cpap, he was much much much worse off. His dental appliance did not help. The snoring with the dental appliance was much worse.

Sorry to be self centered but I could use a few jokes right now.

Sorry, my response is no joke... I hope some one posts some jokes for you.

Quote:

Does anyone know if there anything other than the CPAP or a dental appliance? My husband neds a solution.

A tracheotomy is 100% guaranteed to stop apenas. Of course, this is a totally last resort way to deal with Apnea.


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The tracheotomy is an awful alternative. I noticed that when I discuss the awful solutions, all of the sudden he seems better for some time. Kind of like when you finally decide that you will get a bunionectomy and once you set up the appointment, your bunions don't hurt any more.

My Zombie,  er ,  husband had a few good nights recently. He was much nicer and much more alert. Sorry to give you a blow by blow account. I do appreciate having someone to chat with, though. I hope I am not a pest.

 When we move to the new house on Feb 8, maybe all will be well. We have 2 electrostatic air conditioners there.  Maybe allergies are contributing to the breathing problems. There is construction going on all around us here.

My best to all of you

TCMG wrote:

How can you stand the CPap thing? Gosh, it was just so LOUD.

I'll try to behave and try not to complain, but really now, who enjoys sleeping with Darth Vadar? Where is the fun?

I think you & your husband should re-investigate current day CPAP.  Technology changes very quickly these days and the machines today are very different from the ones from "a few years ago".  The machine I just received is very small and VERY quiet.  No Darth Vader noises!  Also with the variety of masks/options out there combined with the new breed of machines, I would bet he would have a much better experience if you gave it another "go".

Besides, you don't have fun while you sleep...you sleep while you sleep!!!    You have the fun BEFORE you "mask up".  

The first step with any problem is admitting you HAVE a problem and wanting to get it fixed.  He has to come to that realization himself first.  With some people it takes a monumental event...falling asleep at the wheel and totaling the car or getting fired for sleeping on the job for example.  Others realize it before it gets that bad.  I hope you can help him realize that this isnt just hurting him, but it is hurting your entire family.  The kids don't have a dad and you don't have a husband.  You just have a zombie who lives in your house.

With me, I eventually just got "sick & tired of being sick & tired" and waking up alone every morning with the wife down the hall in the spare bedroom.

Thanks for the reply. Part of our problem is not only does my husband have sleep apea, I also get insomnia at times. We sure are a pair.

We now live in a new state, distant from where the initial sleep studies occurred. We will have to find out if he would need a new sleep study and how much it would cost $. What is the brand name of your device?

The CPAP was a horrible experience for my husband. He got not sleep for 2 nights. It was just terrible. He could not function at all. It made things much much worse. We thiught it would be dangerous to continue with this path, but maybe we made a mistake.

By the way, I don't care about the noise of the CPAP device at all. I already sleep eleswhere half the time, when his snoring is bad. I assume that all of the devices would be noisy and that if he had a CPAP, I would always just exit as soon as he goes to bed. I cannot tolerate even the sound of a fan in the room or the sound of air conditioner units installed in a window.

 My objection to the CPAP was that we had a poor outcome. My husband's complaint about the cpap was that his sleep felt terribly disturbed, not even remotely better.


Our former neighbor/friend lost his life when he fell asleep at the wheel. He had sleep anea. His friends creted a web site to honor him. http://chazelleconsulting.com/PeterOBrien/default.htm

I will tell my husband that we must move forward and try again to find a solution. We should do this for Peter.

Yes, the machines have gotten MUCH quieter than earlier models.  My husband has been through several machines in the last 20 years.  We both sleep better.

May I also recommend that you go the sporting goods department and buy a wonderful set of ear plugs for yourself while you are adjusting.  They may help you cope.

Good luck to both of you.  A CPAP made the biggest difference in our lives.

Dianne

Thanks for the reply. Thanks for trying to give me hope. He only tried the CPAP three years ago, so it was not too long ago. Maybe you thought that we tried this long ago. Sorry if I made it seem that way. Can you recommend a brand name of a CPAP to try?

The earplugs don't help me. I wish it were not so, but I am unable to sleep when I use earplugs. I will just continue to do what I always do...go to bed in the same room and then exit when/if the snoring is bad.

As we prepare to move I am finally cleaning this rental place. I guess I have been REALLY lax in cleaning.    The vacuum has a window and you can see all the dust. I had to change the container 7 times as I vacuumed our bedroom and the nearby closet. I hope that if I keep vacuuming more often that my husband will get better sleep. Now that I recall, his sleep apnea was much improved or even absent after we bought this vacuum. This is an excellent vacuum and I am kicking myself for not using it more frequently.

After we move to the new house next week (new construction- hopefully free of allergens) , we will see how it goes. If appropriate, we will re-examine the possibility of trying a more current CPAP device. Last time we spent so much money and it was suh a shame to see all that money go to waste on the CPAP device. I sure was hoping that there would be some other alternative. The CPAP experience was just terrible. The dental appliance was no better.

Glad you found a solution. Hey, maybe my vacuum cleaner is my solution. Sometimes the answers are right under our noses!

Help!

We moved on Feb 8.

Although he had a few good nights, V's (aka Darth Vadar) breathing is not better at all at night. He is running on empty during awake hours.

I have no place to sleep since the guest bedroom in the new house is full of chaos and clutter. There are no window shades. It smells like musty boxes. = Hard to sleep there. The couch is in the new family room where there is a 193 inch sliding glass door with no curtains. It is a couch that is ready for retirement--bought it in 1983. = Hard to sleep there. The house has mostly ceramic tile on the floors of every room except my son's room, master bedroom, and guest room. = Hard to sleep there.

I haven't slept in a few days and I told V he must address his sleep apnea. I asked him to sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom and he threw a pillow at me (hard) and told me he must sleep because he has a job. He was hurt that I asked him to sleep elsewhere, but I told him I have been doing this all the time and it is not fair.

Of course I must accept that the pillow throwing behavior and anger are directly related to the apnea. I must cope with it. Tears...

His words hurt because I had a lucrative career but I quit it since my husband was traveling and my job also required traveling. I wanted to be there to parent our son. I would absolutely love to return to work, but we are in a new state and my son is having a hard time with the move.

My son is not doing well in school in 2 subjects and I met with the academic advisor and discussed how he is being bullied. He was previously an honors student. I am upset by the situation but my husband is too tired to deal with it and yells at me for being upset, making me more upset. No sleep= jaggy nerves, ya know.

V says that the dental appliance did not help and that the CPAP didn't help. He says the sleep studies cost too much. He was a worse mess after the studies.

 I feel needy right now. If you can help, thanks in advance.