Neglected, you do not seem to understand exactly what about your venting is inappropriate and I am truly sorry we have been unable to make it clear to you.  I would be happy to provide a link to a Yahoo Group or some other support group in which the type of venting you insist on doing is appropriate, allowed and appreciated.  And, most importantly, a place where you can find the kind of support that you need.  I wonder about the importance for a place for this kind venting because I made this offer previously and did not receive any responses.

We are an apnea support forum, not a marriage support forum for a spouse who feels "Neglected".  To those whose partner's CPAP therapy is so very distressing and disturbing to the relationship, if you find the many tools and suggestions we provide unsuccessful, then the services of a marriage counselor would be more appropriate.  I'm not attacking or being mean.  I am being honest and realistic.  I see mental health care providers on an extremely regular basis and a good therapist can save lives and marriages.

We have had hundreds, if not thousands, of spouses post here who have, and continue to be, able to get the support they need here without complaint.  How may we help you support your husband in his CPAP therapy?

Vicki



Last edited by Vicki on Fri Apr 27, 2007 6:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
_________________
That which does not kill you makes you stronger-Friedrich Nietzsche
Friedrich must of had apnea.

Vicki-
 I do not mean to  sound  angry or anti anybody.
I understand why things spouses say can upset those with SA and sorry for that if i did that.persoanlly. I can not speak for other spouses
I just wish that we canlearn from each other peacefully there is so much knowledge and first hand experience between all of us.
 I am wondering why  it is becoming  personal.
 Us spouses and poeple with SA need each other . I know I am my husbands main support system.
 I am a very supportive wife of a erson with SA and try to do anything to make things better for him.
Reading other peoples  posts have taught me a great deal.
 It took me time to dael with my Husbands Illness not that he uses a CPAP and wears Nasal Pillows. He s still the same person I marrried and love him no matter. what.
 Adjustments need to be made on both sides and now after almost 2 months things are back to the Norm. We needed to do it together.
 Personally I do not need counseling , For me i just want to share and help other s who are in the same boat.
 No matter what nobody should attck anybody else and we should all help each other.

I cannot, for the life of me, see where anyone has attacked or gotten personal with anyone else in this thread.

In the time I have have been a member of this forum I have read many posts from spouses of cpap users and seen many many helpful suggestions made by other spouses and by cpap users. I personally have been in live chat with spouses and did my best to help. But the questions asked of me were always how to help the partner become more comfortable, and thus, more compliant with their therapy. I have no personal knowledge of how to deal with a spouse who feels rejected or somehow threatened by the cpap. My wife was instrumental in me being diagnosed and was always there for me during a very rocky first year of treatment. I once asked her if the noise from my machine bothered her and her reply was that she was just happy to hear me breathing normally. She accepted right from the very beginning that cpap was a necessary part of my life and that she as well as I might have to make adjustments.
I feel truly blessed in that regard.

Brian

Brian-
It was a previous thread where spouses in general  might have been insulted, not me personally.  I guess i felt as a spouse I needed to defend  us.
When I should be helping them, listening, giving advice, and sharing.
I do not feel threatened or rejected by my husband. I am very involved in his compliance  and all I want is that he be here and be as healthy as he can.
His CPAP, Nasal Pillows , noise, and even air from the vent have never bothered me. It was the initial diagnosis and it took me some time , but now I hardly realize or notice it is there. I feel lucky that I do not have some of the other  issues spouses might have.
 Like you said  adjustments and comprimises had to be made and it takes time.
You are very lucky to have asupportive and loving wife.
have great weekend.

Perhaps it was suggested before, but if it's possible to convince the husbands to participate in an online sleep apnea support forum, that might be most beneficial to them.  Wives may be the husband's main source of support.  But it might be helpful to both if the husband can also find support elsewhere, such as these forums.  If they can't be comfortable here, there are other ones available to them, such as www.talkaboutsleep.com and others.  Sometimes the person with sleep apnea can really benefit from a support group, whether local or online like this, even with supportive family members.  My mother totally understood my condition, but try as she might, she couldn't relate entirely.  As you say, it's always good to talk with others going through the same thing.  If you can convince your husbands to find support online or locally, that might help take the stress off of both of you.


Linda


_________________
Click here for link to FAQ and topics
Click here for link to section on machines and masks

Just wanted to say thank you

I would also like to say thank you.  This Forum has been very informative for me.  It has taught me a lot about what to expect over the next few months, and has given me several tips on how to deal with it.

I would also like to add.  My wife is very supportive of me, she is the ultimate reason that I went to the doctor in the first place.  I am happy that you are willing to give her a place to go to talk to people who are in the same place as HER.  I think a lot of times, when someone is diagnosed with something especially something that could be life threatening, they tend to be me me me.  I understand that all to well.  Now that I have been diagnosed with SA, I finally understand why I am the way I am, and I am excited to tell people that there is a reason that I am always tired, that there is a reason for the headaches and everything else.  I tend to forget the one who practically forced me to go to my sleep study.  I almost chickened out, but she held strong, and made me go.  I know that she did that because she loves me and she wants me to be healthy.

I think that it is only fair, that she has a place to talk to other spouses of people with SA.  I hope that she can learn from you just as I will hopefully learn from people suffering from SA.  Even if she comes here to vent or blow off steam, I think that is ok.  Lord knows that if I have to vent because I am upset, I am allowed to do so in this forum.  I have seen it several times since being here.  That is healthy.  And I hope that she can use this forum to do so if needed.  Sometimes we all have to just sit back and scream.  Just let it out, otherwise we would explode.

But anyway, I again want to say thank you for starting this area of the forum.  I think it will be a healthy place for spouses.
And, by the way, my wife is planning on joining soon.  She has been working a lot of overtime, and hasn't had much time for a Computer life lately.

David

Hey...at least now I know what this past year has been preparing me for.
I mean after all the sleep deprivation I have gone thru due to hubby's SA, I can now stay up all night
 during the tornado warnings,severe thunderstom warnings,etc while everyone else goes to sleep!
I just knew there had to be a reason for losing all this sleep!


PS We are okay here altho not everyone in Kansas is as lucky.

Glad to hear that you are okay and safe.
 Try to get some sleep when you can and things calm down. You need to take care of your self
 

I am a female with OSA. My situation is that I think my boyfriend would greatly benefit from this forum, however I don't think I can get him to look at it at this stage.  I have just been diagnosed, and he is still in denial.  He is not aware that so many people have apnea, and he can't fathom someone be hooked up to a machine at night.  He's a great guy, and has heard me struggle for air at night, so he knows there is a problem.  I am sure he will come around the more he understands it.  Are there any men out there that can reply to this with suggestions of how I can get him to understand this a little more?  So far, it seems like mainly women are posting here (or men that have OSA). This guy is the best - and I think he will slowly come around. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

debekoala wrote:

I am a female with OSA. My situation is that I think my boyfriend would greatly benefit from this forum, however I don't think I can get him to look at it at this stage.  I have just been diagnosed, and he is still in denial.  He is not aware that so many people have apnea, and he can't fathom someone be hooked up to a machine at night.  He's a great guy, and has heard me struggle for air at night, so he knows there is a problem.  I am sure he will come around the more he understands it.  Are there any men out there that can reply to this with suggestions of how I can get him to understand this a little more?  So far, it seems like mainly women are posting here (or men that have OSA). This guy is the best - and I think he will slowly come around. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Hi,

I'm also a female with OSA. I don't know how to help you with the issue of denial exactly, but I do know that my husband's first, last, and only statement on the subject was, "I've known something was wrong, I'm excited to get my wife back, and if that means she has to sleep hooked up to a machine, that's a small price to pay." It might help to show him the different types of masks/machines (on websites or in person), ask him what his concerns are, etc. My husband's main concerns were the noise and the air blowing out of the mask vent, for example, so I made a point at looking at (and showing him) masks that were supposed to be quieter and telling him (over and over) that the machine they used at my sleep study was much louder than the one that I would have at home. It also helped for him to participate in the mask selection—like I'd been looking at the Breeze mask and he pointed out that it's not so good if you sleep on your back, which I do sometimes.

It also helps to tell him you'll be more interested in sex once you get treatment.  


_________________
Machine: Puritan-Bennett GoodKnight 420E (Auto)
Mask: OptiLife/Hybrid

HI,
 My husband has OSA and it is an adjustment for both of you. different people react in different ways.  
 It personally took me a while to adjust and accept the changes but my husbands health always came first. He  is still the same person I married 12 years ago.  and as he feels better things have improved in all ways.
 I agree with  TILLYMARIGOLD there are different types of masks . I went on line and knowing my concerns and his needs found one that make both of us happy
 things do get better on both ends. .
As far as the noise  goes I found it soothing after a week or so and you become use to it and do not even notice it. The vent  unless you are right on the person you do not feel and actually  it is not so bad. I told my husband that on a hot night I can lay right near him and cool off. Yo do not feel it in your sleep.
 I did notice that now my husbands makes more noise because the other machine he got 3 months ago was not set high enough ., but within a night or two I did
 not notice.
 He sounds like a great guy and I wish you both luck.
Tell him we are here to help and not judge.

Debekoala, when my husband first started down this road more than a year ago, I understood the situation and supported him but I didn't really understand what it was like to use a CPAP machine and mask.  After hanging around here for a year, I understand much better now.  I even tried out my husband's machine and mask for an hour and a half one night when he was in the hospital.  A year earlier I could not have imagined myself doing that.  It takes time to come to terms with the situation and to work through the implications.  

But one does need to make the effort to learn.  Try to get him reading the site regularly, if not every day, and he will eventually absorb what he needs to know, as long as he's not completely determined not to know.  Which, unfortunately, some are.

BTW, what does your name mean?

debekoala wrote:

I am a female with OSA. My situation is that I think my boyfriend would greatly benefit from this forum, however I don't think I can get him to look at it at this stage.  I have just been diagnosed, and he is still in denial.  He is not aware that so many people have apnea, and he can't fathom someone be hooked up to a machine at night.  He's a great guy, and has heard me struggle for air at night, so he knows there is a problem.  I am sure he will come around the more he understands it.  Are there any men out there that can reply to this with suggestions of how I can get him to understand this a little more?  So far, it seems like mainly women are posting here (or men that have OSA). This guy is the best - and I think he will slowly come around. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Just a thought, but you might repeat your question in our main Sleep Apnea Help section.  More men who have sleep apnea post in that section and they may have some suggestions on how to educate your boyfriend better.  And you might print out some of the posts and give them to your boyfriend to read.  I don't know if you've seen our FAQ Frequently Asked Questions section, but you might print out some of the material there for him.  A link to our FAQ is posted at the bottom of my message here.  Also in our main Sleep Apnea Help section is a topic near the top of the list of Success Stories, great descriptions from people about what cpap treatment has done for them.  If he could read about just how different a person could be and feel with cpap, that might help.


Linda


_________________
Click here for link to FAQ and topics
Click here for link to section on machines and masks

Thanks to all who have replied and given advice.
Frances- my first name is Debbie, and Koala is just a nickname for my last name!