My husband has sleep apnea.  I've known it for years but he's refused to get help.  He's extremely anti-doctor.  I don't know why, but he hates them all. So finally, after 3 years of off-and-on pestering, he decided to get a sleep study done.  Actually you know what?  It wasn't my pestering that did it.  He finally did it because he was going to be fired from his job!!!!  He would fall asleep during the day and his coworkers would tell his boss.  Did he see the doctor after this happened a few times? No.  He waited until he was hanging by a thread. . .AFTER a final written and a 2 week unpaid suspension.  I'm a stay-at-home mom and we CANNOT afford him to lose his job, especially in this !@#! economy!!  (Can you sense anger?  I'm really angry how this all played out.)

So, in an effort to convince his boss not to fire him, he told him that he suspected he had sleep apnea and was going to have a sleep study done.  Thankfully he still has his job and he didn't cancel his appt for the sleep study.  Turns out he has severe sleep apnea (duh, I knew that).  He stops breathing 47 times an hour and his O2 sats went down to 82. He said the doctor told him he only gets 2 hrs of sleep a night (deep sleep? any sleep? I'm not clear on this).  Of course he's tired all the time!  Not only does he fall asleep at work, but he falls asleep at home ALL THE TIME.  I pointed out to him that he's almost never actually holds his head up when he sits down. . .If he's sitting down, he has to rest his head on the back of the couch/chair.  Even when he drives!  (And yes, I'm scared to death one day he's going to fall asleep while driving and kill us all).

But there are larger issues at play.  We've been married for 7 years and for the last 5 years or so, he's been grumpy.  He has his moments when I see the funny, caring man I married, but most of the time he's a jerk. . storming off in a huff, arguing, silent treatment, etc.  I cannot say one word to him without him being offended and I cannot ask a simple favor of him without him slamming doors and disappearing for hours to "cool down".  WTF? This happens, I kid you not, at least once a day, but often times more so.   As you can imagine, our marriage has eroded and I've seriously entertained the notion of leaving him.  I don't want to be a single mother, but at the same time I can't continue to subject myself to his behavior and let my kids witness it.  He's been to counseling (did a lot of talking but never addressed the real issue, and the therapist didn't press him) and he's currently on antidepressants (has been for nearly a year, barely any noticeable change and he's on a very high dose).

As you can imagine, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  He's currently waiting for his second sleep study (titration) to get him set up with the CPAP.  And yet, all this time, he's been complaining about how he hates doctors, how he doesn't want another sleep study, how the masks are "stupid", and how he just doesn't want to deal with it.  But I told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he can't care about us long enough to even TRY it out, then I can't stick around.  I told him I'm supportive of him and want him to get better (I do love him very much and don't want to leave), but he's got to at least try and make some progress. . .refusal on his part will not be tolerated.  Perhaps this sounds harsh, but after 5 years of this ill-treatment, I've freakin' had enough!  Plus, I just don't think he understands how much his behavior is affecting the entire family. He's used to feeling horrible and so doesn't think anything of it.  I feel great, though, and see how bad he is.  But he can't/won't admit the problem is as big as I think it is.

I apologize for this being so long!  If you've made it all the way through, thank you!! I realize that some of this may be unrelated to sleep apnea, but then again, I hold onto some hope that maybe it IS all related.  I want a miracle. . I want my husband back.  I keep thinking that maybe if he gets his mask and wears it (he assures me he will), he'll eventually start feeling better.  He'll treat me better, like he used to when I first met him.

I guess I'm looking for some commiseration, or maybe some encouraging advice or stories. And honesty.  If I'm being overly optimistic, please tell me that too. :)

I know this is my first post and I apologize for not introducing myself first.  I just had to get this off my chest.  I'll go to the other sections and get caught up.  For right now "a place for spouses" is where I belong.

Thanks.

ooohh boy were to begin???? I dont think it will cure all your marital problems but I was really grouchy and had lost the love for life. I also had a quick temper. So there is some hope
 I suppose. Sometimes we just need to vent to people who dont know anything about our situation and wont prejudge us.
  Oh yeah I hate Dr's too .
 You must also remember with him being the main income what kind of stress might he be carrying?? plus who knows what the rumor mills are saying at work he's not telling you about . I'm not taking up for him but if he was this wonderful man you speak of it should still be there somewhere. Just a question if you 2 can figure it out before you self destruct.

good luck
  Jeff


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Elite II ,humidaire 3Iwith mirage activa lt / Swift Lt
Wife Elite II,humidaire 3I with Swift lt

Thanks Jeff!  I'm just hoping that once he's getting treated for OSA and feeling better, he can better address some of his underlying issues. I mean, he certainly wasn't perfect when I met him (LOL who is?) so I'm not expecting anything more than that, I think though that he's just so tired and stressed all the time he has no "fight" in him to work on anything else.  He's not abusive or anything, but I think the biggest struggle right now is me dealing with his mood swings. Like literally, we could be sitting there chatting about something and having a good time, and I say one thing that he takes the wrong way, and the rest of the day is silent.  It's that kind of stuff that makes my head spin.

I also wanted to mention that he, no doubt, is experiencing a lot of stress.  Our son (who just turned 1 the other day) is very, very, very difficult and both of us struggle to meet his needs while still maintaining family balance.  Maybe I'm just better at juggling it all, i don't know.  And yeah, no doubt me not working is adding some stress to him too.  I've only started staying home in the last 8 mos; before that i worked full-time and earned a good portion of our family's income. He was still this way before, so I know it's not just that.

I guess we'll see. . .I really do want to give him the chance to get treated and see what happens. Thanks for listening :)

I'm a newbie here too, so I can't give advice on sleep apnea...but can tell you that getting to the sleep doctor...for whatever reason..is the first step in the right direction...realizing he has a problem is the next...The old trite but true phrase of ONE DAY AT A TIME will save your sanity.  Is it better today, than yesterday?  He may still be a *(*^&^&, BUT is less of one today than yesterday?  I understand the stress and anger, it's normal...you'd be in real trouble if you didn't have some...in the manageing it that's the key.

As I said earlier, no help with the sleep apnea...well that's not true...I can tell you that the cpap can and will help, and at least in my case, when HE sleeps better, I sleep better AND we all get in a better mood.  The other good news is you will turn around and that troublesome 1 year old will be turning 21 years old AND still be troublesome.  Seriously, kids grow up sooooo fast, this stage will be over soon.

keep the faith....are you doing something good for yourself???????  You are part of the problem and need to be part of the solution....

ginny

I just joined this forum and have been having similar problems with my fiance. My fiance isn't as unreasonable and cranky as your guy sounds but I was considering leaving him too. He didn't want to admit there was a problem. For months I kept saying "There is something wrong with you." and he didn't believe it until his Dr. told him he thinks its sleep apnea. Some days I want to pull my hair out!

This is my post if you want to read it: http://www.apneasupport.org/viewtopic.php?t=20738

I don't know yet if it will work out for me and my guy but i am keeping my fingers crossed. I can understand your frustration with him. I get so frustrated and depressed over my guy and his stubbornness. We are a work in progress but i can sympathize honey. I hope you guys get to the bottom of his apnea and he gets better...hopefully helping with his moods and improving his work situation. I wish you the best hon. If you wanna talk email me on here anytime. In the meantime all i can say is hang in there...cuz I am hanging in over here and it's so hard at times but i know you love your guy like i love mine so it's worth trying.

HUGS

Husband also denied apnea, so I tape recorded him about 20 years ago.  Now he has dx'd me with apnea, sent me to sleep clinic, and I'm a snorkler, too.

Keep trying.  It gets much better after he gets his cpap.  We have several friends that have also had cpaps almost 20 years.  When our friend first got his cpap, one of his employees noted that the "friend"  was no longer cranky.  A lot of things improve if you can just get enough air at night.

Edited to add:  Once he starts getting good sleep at night, you'll also begin to sleep better, and your relationship should improve.

Masks may look stupid, but it's only AIR.  It's addictive once you begin to get GOOD sleep, and you won't want to go ONE day without it.


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Dianne's: Remstar Auto M, C-flex, humidifier, smart card. Mask: Swift LT, AHI- 23, lowest blood ox 80%.

John's: Same cpap, Mask: Respironics Profile-lite mask.
severe apnea, Cpap user for more than 20 years.

Crazydiamond (Pink Floyd, nice)

I (a husband/dad) was diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea yesterday and am very excited to treat my tired depressed un-fun self. I want to get back to the guy I was 10+ years ago. I want to repair my relationship with my wife. I want to be a good father. I want to be active. I am being realistic in that it might take some time, but I already feel so good knowing that there is a possible fix. And that I am taking the steps to get 'me' back. I think your husband probably secretly feels this way (or he should). And ultimately it is his decision whether or not he wants to get better. But the problem is he probably hasn't felt good for so long he doesn't know what good feels like anymore. I too took antidepressants (8 yrs), which I've come to learn could have causing additional sleep issues. I thought I was going crazy until yesterday. I'm more fearful of the guilt I may experience after feeling better. Having missed a great amount of quality time with my family.

So stay with it. Make sure he does it and does it right. He'll love you for it in the end if it makes him a better man. Let alone saving his life!

Your husband sounds a lot like me! My wife has been contending with my grumpy/snarky attitude for way too long, but it was I that finally decided to go do a sleep study. I haven't slept well in about 10 years, and it seems to only be getting worse. I got sick of dragging myself around and got tested.

Two studies later and I should have my first machine before this week ends. Of course... we'll see how well she deals with the mask vent blowing on the back of her neck...