Hi everyone.  I'll give you the short version of the story - my husband is about 20 lbs over weight, snores so badly that our 6 year old son doesn't even want daddy to read to him at bedtime (because daddy falls asleep after reading and starts snoring),  we have been sleeping in different beds for a while now due to his loud snoring, he drinks coffee & soda all day to keep awake, and stays up as late as he can so that he is totally exhausted at night to try and get some sleep, he wakes up tired every morning.  No other health problems that we are aware of at this time.

After I finally got him to go to the ENT (years in the making), the ENT said he needed a sleep study.  The results of the sleep study came back and he had his appt this AM.  The results - my husband stops breathing 30X an hour but his oxygen levels are normal.  From my husband's telephone converstation with me after his abrupt end to his follow up appt (because he got upset and left the dr's office) was that the Dr wants him to get fitted for the machine.  My husband said he wouldn't do it because it was like wearing the head gear that the pilots have to wear when they fly jets.  He was totally upset, cussing, etc & refused to even get fitted for the machine an try the thing.  He also used me as an excuse that my "sensitive" hearing would not allow me to sleep with him wearing the machine.  I asked him to please just try the machine - even if it was in the other bedroom without me there to see if he felt better for about a week - he still refused.

He also forbid me to tell him parents about the results.

So here I am - scared about the results, confused about his reaction, and trying to stay calm.  

How should I handle this - I can't make him get & wear the machine.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

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Hi everyone.  I'll give you the short version of the story - my husband is about 20 lbs over weight, snores so badly that our 6 year old son doesn't even want daddy to read to him at bedtime (because daddy falls asleep after reading and starts snoring),  we have been sleeping in different beds for a while now due to his loud snoring, he drinks coffee & soda all day to keep awake, and stays up as late as he can so that he is totally exhausted at night to try and get some sleep, he wakes up tired every morning.  No other health problems that we are aware of at this time.

A fairly typical male (LOL) with untreated apnoea.
Large amounts of coffee.......particularly soda are not good for him.

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After I finally got him to go to the ENT (years in the making), the ENT said he needed a sleep study.  The results of the sleep study came back and he had his appt this AM.  The results - my husband stops breathing 30X an hour but his oxygen levels are normal.

  

Severe Sleep Apnoea. Obviously very symptomatic and requiring treatment. The fact that he can't stay awake during the day is of major concern as he is a danger to himself, his work mates and, if driving, to every other road user and pedestrian. The normal oxygen levels indicate apnoeas rather than hypopnoeas.

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From my husband's telephone converstation with me after his abrupt end to his follow up appt (because he got upset and left the dr's office) was that the Dr wants him to get fitted for the machine.  My husband said he wouldn't do it because it was like wearing the head gear that the pilots have to wear when they fly jets.  He was totally upset, cussing, etc & refused to even get fitted for the machine an try the thing.  He also used me as an excuse that my "sensitive" hearing would not allow me to sleep with him wearing the machine.  I asked him to please just try the machine - even if it was in the other bedroom without me there to see if he felt better for about a week - he still refused.

Your husband is fairly normal in his reaction. We call denial........this will be closely followed by anger and a complete unwillingness to do anything about it.
He has to have his condition explained to him........in great detail, particularly the risks to his cardiovascular system, the liklihood of early death due to stroke or a road traffic accident. The risk of developing diabetes, glaucoma, enlarged heart........impairment to his short term memory and cognitive function........unless he does something about it. Currently he has two options.....XPAP or a Tracheostomy (surgical bypass of the airway).
This denial has to be addressed.

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He also forbid me to tell him parents about the results.

Not only his parents........he has wrapped himself up in a cocoon........won't want to talk about it or deal with it. He probably thinks that if he ignores it, it will go away.
He will, most likely, take his frustrations out on you........unfortunately.

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So here I am - scared about the results, confused about his reaction, and trying to stay calm.

Your husband sounds so much like me, back in 1993. Fit, still playing sports......career going well etc etc...........then BANG......I have an illness, a condition, that is messing up my life. I had already crashed the car at 3.00PM on a Sunday afternoon.........no alcohol and only a half mile from home..........scary.

My wife was tough (someone had to be.......because I was immersed in self pity) and I resented it. She finally gave me an ultimatum.....sort it out, use the machine or I could spend what was left of my life on my own. It took time and we tackled it as a team. She attended consults with my sleep doctor..........who listened to her rather than me......and we finally got there. It has been very worthwhile..........my eldest was 18 yesterday..........something I would never have seen without the support of my wife.....and of course CPAP.

So, what do you do. Well, if you have children........first thing is to explain to him that because of his untreated condition and its dangers he can't be left alone with them in case he falls asleep. Driving is now out of the question as 'technically' he is unfit to drive and is probably in breach of DOT Rules. He is also a danger to all road users. Children NOT to travel with him in car. What is his position at work.....any warnings ? You may be fairly sure that his work performance has been commented on..........has this reached warning stage.

I know, I sound a bit tough and uncaring...........not true, because I know exactly what he is going through.....and I have a good idea of what you are now facing.
He will continue with the denial for a while, then the anger.......hopefully he will then come to terms with it and try out the 'machine'. It is difficult for you, but he needs support. This is a big blow to his 'masculinity', not to mention his ego. I know, we can be very unreasonable.

It might be a good idea to talk to his sleep doctor at this stage. Better still, try and get your husband to bring you to see and talk to him. At the moment your husband is at a low ebb......try and reason with him.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Daniel.



Last edited by Daniel on Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The untreated Sleep Apnoea sufferer died quietly in his sleep.......
Unlike his three passengers who died screaming !!!!!!

(Anon)

Your husband sounds like several of my friends. First of all, he has to admit that he has a medical problem and it is affecting his body and those he loves around him. I know that it was a little hard for me to admit that maybe I do snore loud but being I have never heard myself I kept thinking my husband was teasing me. You might need to get a tape recorder and tape a one night episode for playback.  If he would just try it out, and I don't mean a night or two, he will discover his breathing gets easier and he will adapt to the machine. I know people, young and old, who won't go away from home one night without their machine. It just helps their energy level that much. He is upset to be told he needs to rely on a machine probably, but he is just one of thousands out there that use one every night. Try to be patient and just discuss things with him when he has calmed down some. Good Luck and I hope things work out for you three!

Hi Purplekat,

My husband was in denial until I tape recorded his snoring and lack of breathing. THEN he went to the sleep lab.  Before that, he told me it was MY problem...just like your husband.

It's only AIR that is delivered by cpap.  Air is good.

Tell him that wearing a cpap mask is absolutely not a problem and that you WANT him to wear it.  Besides, you'll get to play the cpap games:  Who is that masked man, Darth Vader,  Space Invaders, etc.   You sound like a creative wife and can work with his denial issues.  

BTW, both my husband and I are now cpap users.  If I hadn't gotten him to sleep lab 20 years ago, he may never have helped diagnose my apnea.  

Your husband needs to do this for his family.


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Dianne's: Remstar Auto M, C-flex, humidifier, smart card. Mask: Swift LT, AHI- 23, lowest blood ox 80%.

John's: Same cpap, Mask: Respironics Profile-lite mask.
severe apnea, Cpap user for more than 20 years.