I'll give my story, and of course any advice is welcome, but mostly I need some support.  I myself am taking a heavy dose of xanax each day to help keep the nightmares and anxiety away.

I started reading old threads and cried so hard I had to stop, only to return just now.  So many of you are repeating my story!  No one around me can understand the severity of my situation.  The most common advice I hear is that we need to go to a marriage counselor.  Well, we went once, husband following begrudgingly, but he didn't show up at the second meeting.  We went in separate vehicles, he said he got lost.  Funny, he's never gotten lost before!!

I knew when we married 20 years ago something was wrong, but we didn't have a name for it then.  We live in a rural area, and doctors insisted it was simply heavy snoring.  You know, put a pillow under his head, put a tennis ball in his shirt back so we won't lie on his back, etc.  He had this very bad habit of raising his arms in the middle of the night when he'd stop breathing, then slam them down -- across my face.  He broke my nose once!  He would never wake when it happened, and that particular night I had to literally push him out of the bed and onto the floor to get him awake.

Fast forward 14 years when our 3rd child was born.  Two weeks after that hubby got out of bed to go to the bathroom and collapsed.  He broke his leg completely in two, gross but to the point the broken end of one bone came through the skin.  He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and there the doctor had respiratory therapy place him on a BiPAP because everyone in the hospital could hear him snoring, and they couldn't keep him awake.  

He had experience many bouts of falling asleep.... at the dinner table, standing at the toilet, and yes, DRIVING.  He refused to acknowledge it was anything but being tired.

The chiropractor was kind enough to write a prescription for a breathing machine, but without insurance or money it took us a while to find a BiPAP we could afford.  Now, he does wear the machine every single night without complaint, but it's apparently not enough.  6 years have passed since he got the machine (we have replaced the original and now have a newer, smaller machine), but he will not go back to the doctor.  He has told me on many occasions that if he has a heart attack, stroke, or simply stops breathing I AM NOT to call emergency rescue.  Of course, I will, but -- how can he say this???? We have four very young children, so how can he do that to them?  Or to me?  It kills me every day knowing he may still die and yet he will do nothing about it.  He is overweight and has a very thick neck.  His leg never completely healed b/c the doctors said he has very little circulation in his lower extremities.  He smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day.  He works too hard physically, and he doesn't get enough hours of sleep at night.  I still have a very difficult time waking him in the mornings.  He still falls asleep as soon as he sits down.  BUT, he does wear his mask, though he continues to snore (lightly) while wearing it and he does continue to stop breathing several times each night.  He also breathes very shallow and rapidly (I count often, and it's usually 45-60 breaths a minute).

I have begged and pleaded, but he's not going to change.  I just need to prepare myself for the worst, and pray for the best, I suppose.  Anyway, I've never put all this into print, though I do talk to my mother often.  She has suggested I continue personal counseling without my husband, so I may do that.

If anyone has suggestions of how to trick him or force him to the doctor, I'm all for it!  I'm so afraid he won't be with us much longer.  He will only be 43 this fall.

I had two young children, one was 2, one 6, when my husband FINALLY was diagnosed with OSA (obstructive sleep apena).  He blamed ME for complaining about his snoring.  The tape recorder doesn't lie, and he finally went to a REAL sleep doc and lab.  I can't believe a chiropractor was able to prescribe a sleep apnea device.  Gasp...

I really feel for your situation as you have a husband who is acting much older than he should.  His OSA is taking away his energy, and his drive to live.  I'm sure he doesn't want to break your heart, or leave your children orphans, but what is he thinking?  He's exhausted.

You may have to do an intervention and play a tape recording of his snoring for the doc, and ask for a referral to a sleep lab.  (A chiropractor shouldn't be prescribing a CPAP. It may not be adjusted properly.)  It may save his life.  He shouldn't be snoring while wearing the mask.

I once slept in another room for so long that the kids thought it was normal.  I took Xanax for a while too but realized that I couldn't function while taking it, and quit.  It made me more tired.  That was all twenty years ago.  Life will get better if you can help him get to a REAL sleep doc.

I am so very sorry that you feel heartbroken.  He needs to get this fixed.  It's not your fault he is so tired, but you may be his only solution to helping him.  Until you are able to get a doc to cooperate with you, go to the WALMART sporting goods department and buy the very best ear plugs you can find.  

Good luck, and write back.

Oh, I should clarify the "chiropractor" part... he was at the hospital for something else, but he heard my husband from his office.  Doc is a friend/relative... the respiratory department (respiratory therapist?  doctor? I don't know?) set the BiPAP husband was to use at the hospital and it worked well, at that time and for several years afterward.  The hospital said a doc had to prescribe the BiPAP, not the resp dept, so the chiropractor filled out the Rx using the settings given to him by the RT.  It did in fact work for several years, but alas, we all get older.  And husband has gained considerable weight (though he denies it, but that's a whole other story).  I have recorded his snoring, but it's to no avail.  I think he does want to die, or at least I believe if he didn't then he would do something.  It's that part that bothers me.  I guess it is all because he's so tired, and perhaps he simply isn't thinking straight.  He would never have gone to the doc if his leg hadn't been shattered, and he hasn't been since.

Hello

I definitely understand your position.  I am at my wits end and do not know what to do.  I have begged, I have cried to no avail.  He simply states I am crazy and overreacting.  I am deathly afraid of riding in the car with him as he always falls asleep. His mom recently told me a few years before we were married he fell asleep at the wheel and totaled his car, but my husband denies it.  His other relatives support his mothers version.  My concern is that it appears that he has had this condition for a significant period of time and one can only imagine the damage done to his body.  His legs are so swollen that they dont look real (and have a slightly shiny look to them).  When people ask he says that he needs to watch his salt intake.

My husband is about 5'10 and approximately 400lbs.  He has never been a thin man but I believe the condition has contributed to the weight gain of approx 150lbs.  

Just recently, we took our one year old to the doctor for an ER visit.  By the end of the visit 5 different medical personnel came in suggesting that he receive oxygen and refusing to allow him to drive home. Finally, one of the physicians told me that his condition appeared severe and that for my babys sake I should get my affairs in order.  I cried all night. That was the first time he used the machine in about six months and he refuses to wear again.

I dont understand how can he be so selfish, but it doesnt appear that he cares.  We are no longer having sex and it doesnt appear to be on the horizon.  


I want to be there for my husband but each day becomes more and more trying especially with the constant angry mood.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Dawn K.

I understand too about having to "get things in order."  Our lawyer says I need to know exactly what's going on with our business and farm so I won't be left out in the cold if/when something happens.... and his non-professional opinion is that my husband will be dead by 50.  Of course, that's just someone venting and complaining as well... what irks me is that my husband has in fact made our financial planning -- he has left written, dated instructions on how I should handle each piece of rental property, who wants to buy the cropland, and how the other business should be closed out and auctioned.  He's got pretty decent figures down for how much money we'd have, and he's gone so far as to put down recommendations of how to handle that money immediately upon his death.  He swears he will not go to the hospital if anything happens.  GGGRRRRR!!!! He has a living will, I have durable power of attorney, all that jazz has been done.  I honestly think he's living each day believing it may be his last, but he will not spend the money to go to the doctor and have more tests done and get treatment.  Claims it's a waste of time.  He does faithfully wear his machine every night, but he sleeps so soundly that the only way I can wake him in the morning is to turn it off.  Without air, so far he's awakened.   Someday I'll notice he doesn't struggle for air but won't awaken, and I'll then have to remove the whole apparatus and probably give cpr.  NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.  

I've been tempted to go to a web site called "real age" and answer the questionnaire and show him what his "real age" is.... I know it's not accurate, but it might show him how it compares to me.  That he's way above his real age might then concern him, I dont know.  Or he may just blow it off like he does everything else!  

Ahhh, yet another day to whine, not knowing what else to do.  Headaches (me) almost constantly in fear of another bad night, stress to the point of being sick (again, me), while he calmly proceeds through a life of misery.  What to do??

Thanks for listening, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only wife suffering through this with a stubborn husband.

pc