My husband and I have been friends for over a decade, but it took nearly that long for us to become romantically involved. We became friends in high school, but I could never become close to him because it was as if he had built a shell around himself. He was always so quick to make jokes about himself and others---like a defense mechanism to keep from being made fun of for his weight. I always thought he was so funny, but at the same time I always felt like I was one of his jokes too. I never felt too comfortable around him because I knew he was uncomfortable around me. I now know he was just embarrassed about his weight and feeling depressed.

Well, years went by and I graduated from college. He went to college, but dropped out and moved back home because his parents were going through a terrible divorce. We met up again in our hometown and to my surprise he had lost a ton of weight and had this totally different attitude. I didn't see that mean spirited defense shielding him from the world anymore, instead I saw him and he was wonderful. We started seeing each other and moved in to an apartment after a few months of dating. We were in love. And just like that we both stopped exercising and stopped watching our figures because we were so in love it didn't matter what we looked like.

Fast forward to a year later and he had regained the weight he'd lost along with that self loathing attitude. Something else he had was some sort of sleep disorder---now I know he had sleep apnea. To top things off we had just became engaged and decided to save money by moving in with his mother. Let's just say that things only went downhill from there. I would watch him "sleeping" at night and wake him up because I feared he would die if I didn't. Neither of us was getting any rest. During the day he would fall asleep or not wake up at all. When he was awake he would be grouchy and mean. It was no life for either of us. Not only was this sleep disorder ruining our relationship, but it was affecting his work too.

Presently we are battling what we now know is sleep apnea because he finally went to get a sleep study (after we got into a huge fight and I threatened divorce). Once he got the CPAP there were a few really great times when I felt like things would work out---I cried the first day after he'd worn his mask because he awoke before me and was rested. He was himself again. But, I knew it wouldn't last. When he does wear his mask (which isn't daily) he pulls it off because he "can't breathe". So, we're back to square one. He's late for work because he sleeps through his alarms. He sleeps all of the time and is grouchy. We fight when he is awake because I'm frustrated. Our marriage is on the fast track to divorce.

I don't know how to deal with this disorder much longer. Our relationship is torn apart. We need help, but I feel like he's not willing to deal with this issue and I can't do it for him. Help us please.

Hi starfish. Any updates on your situation? I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your husband. DOn't give up hope just yet. My wife struggled for a long time to get me to go and even though my apnea doesn't seem as severe as your husbands, I was pretty unpleasant to be around myself. For me, the fear of leaving my children behind without a dad, and killing someone on the road when I fell asleep were the main factors in me making the conscious decision to get it taken care of. I don't know what if anything can help your husband change his mind, but ignoring sleep apnea is no different than knowing you have cancer and not getting any treatment because it's not "comfortable"  THere is a real problem with taking this disorder seriously not only by people that don't have it, but sometimes even more so by people that do. Sleep Apnea is a killer, and even though you will never see it listed as the cause of death, I am convinced that thousands of deaths every year can be laid at it's feet.

Good luck.