Husband just diagnosised - refuses treatment

This section is for spouses of Apnea Patients to provide mutual support.


  • Site Supporter

Husband just diagnosised - refuses treatment

Postby sugarhoney » Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:14 pm

My husband just had a sleep study done a couple of weeks ago where they found he has mild sleep apnea.
I don't know anymore than this because me husband refuses to go back there to find out the full results and get fitted for the machine.
He thinks it is all because he is overweight and says he has no health issues (with his heart or blood pressure) and that sleep apnea doesn't cause a problem in men his age (35). Basically he is in denial.

We have been married for 2 years and lived together for the past 3.5 years. During this whole time we have slept in different rooms because I can't stand his loud breathing.
He has many problems caused by the lack of sleep, but he has a different excuse for each thing.
He is depressed but blames it on his job
He has a short temper but blames it on his ADHD
He is tired in the morning and naps between 1-2pm everyday but blames it on his work schedule and that because he doesn't get home until 11pm he can't fall asleep until 1am, then our daughter wakes him up between 8-9am.

I asked him to at least go for his appt to go over the results so we could at least see what we are dealing with, but he refuses and just yells saying he never wanted to do the sleep study in the first place, but says I forced him (I mentioned his sleep issues to our primary doctor last month during our PE, she then decided it was a good idea for him to do the sleep study).
He thinks if he just loses the weight it will go away. I am not to sure since when I first started sleeping with him he had issues with his breathing in his sleep and he was thin then (he is like 100lb more now). Doesn't help that his mother is on his side. She even phoned to cancel the sleep study the day before he was suppose to go - lying saying he was sick and telling me he doesn't have sleep apnea and doesn't need it. I had to phone the place back and tell them to ignore the previous call from his mother. I was so happy that he was diagnosised with it because then I got to prove her wrong, unfortunately now she just plays the weight card and says it is just because he is overweight and he really doesn't have sleep apnea.

So is there anything I can do? Or am I forced to sleep in separate rooms from my husband for the rest of our lives? I asked him to think about our daughter and at least try the mask, but he flat out refuses and then gets very angry so I can't even bring the subject up.
sugarhoney
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:57 pm

Re: Husband just diagnosised - refuses treatment

Postby Daniel » Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:59 pm

My husband just had a sleep study done a couple of weeks ago where they found he has mild sleep apnea.
I don't know anymore than this because me husband refuses to go back there to find out the full results and get fitted for the machine.
He thinks it is all because he is overweight and says he has no health issues (with his heart or blood pressure) and that sleep apnea doesn't cause a problem in men his age (35). Basically he is in denial.


My sympathies go out to you.
You seem to know him pretty well.
I was diagnosed at 38.......following a few years of rows with my wife over my snoring and inability to stay awake during a film.....and later on when I crashed the car at 3.00PM on a Sunday afternoon.........all down to sleep apnoea.
17 years on, and on cpap I have a very nice life. Sleep well, don't snore and am enjoying my two children (now teenagers).
Enough of the good stuff.....

We have been married for 2 years and lived together for the past 3.5 years. During this whole time we have slept in different rooms because I can't stand his loud breathing.


My wife's mother used to stop her from waking me up, when I would fall asleep on the couch.......and start snoring. My MIL is very old school.....men need their rest, and as they 'bring home the bacon', must be respected.
Thankfully her daughter is not 'old school'......or I would probably be dead now.

He has many problems caused by the lack of sleep, but he has a different excuse for each thing.
He is depressed but blames it on his job
He has a short temper but blames it on his ADHD
He is tired in the morning and naps between 1-2pm everyday but blames it on his work schedule and that because he doesn't get home until 11pm he can't fall asleep until 1am, then our daughter wakes him up between 8-9am.


You are correct. He is in complete denial.....of all health matters.
Depression, ADHD (if he really has it) are often associated with untreated apnoea. The mood swings and short temper also......the short temper can also be linked to hypertension.....also a symptom of untreated apnoea.

I asked him to at least go for his appt to go over the results so we could at least see what we are dealing with, but he refuses and just yells saying he never wanted to do the sleep study in the first place, but says I forced him (I mentioned his sleep issues to our primary doctor last month during our PE, she then decided it was a good idea for him to do the sleep study).


You have an excellent GP.
This yelling, which is a form of abuse towards you, will have to stop.
The blame game has to go too. He will have to stop acting like a spoiled child.
It should be pointed out to him that this early diagnosis may actually prolong his life and improve its quality....should he decide to have it treated.

He thinks if he just loses the weight it will go away.


Complete BS from him. Sure, weight loss may help, in fact it MIGHT clear it up..............BUT while he is losing weight, the condition must be treated, otherwise it will deteriorate.

I am not to sure since when I first started sleeping with him he had issues with his breathing in his sleep and he was thin then (he is like 100lb more now). Doesn't help that his mother is on his side. She even phoned to cancel the sleep study the day before he was suppose to go - lying saying he was sick and telling me he doesn't have sleep apnea and doesn't need it. I had to phone the place back and tell them to ignore the previous call from his mother.


A few things have to stop here:
1. Discussing these issues with his mother are a no no. Unless it is your joint position.
2. Hard enough to keep a marriage going, without MIL interfereing. He has to deal with this, and she has to be told to butt out.....this is non negotiable and HE has to do the dirty work.

You may well have to give him an ultimatum here.........he can move back with his mother, or he can have the condition treated and stay with you and your daughter.

I was so happy that he was diagnosised with it because then I got to prove her wrong, unfortunately now she just plays the weight card and says it is just because he is overweight and he really doesn't have sleep apnea.


If he continues with this...........ask him just how much weight he has lost in the last week ? If he is 100lbs up on his standard weight, any effort will get weight down quickly.......a half serious effort should knock 5/6 lbs off in the first week.
If he doesn't have sleep apnoea........why does the sleep test say he has......ask him......bug him about it. He has to accept this.

So is there anything I can do? Or am I forced to sleep in separate rooms from my husband for the rest of our lives? I asked him to think about our daughter and at least try the mask, but he flat out refuses and then gets very angry so I can't even bring the subject up.


OK. I'm sorry, but if he won't talk about Sleep Apnoea.....get him to talk about life assurance on him, pension cover for you. You explain to him that as you don't expect him to be around for much longer you need to know that you and your daughter will be provided for. You can mention that as he 'knows' there is nothing wrong with him he can get good rates on substantial cover. You have to be provided for.

I am very sorry for being blunt and somewhat cruel......BUT your husband is an idiot and needs a wake up call.........how do I know ?? Because I was there. Your story only differs slightly from mine (my wife's actually). Try and get him to read this. He is playing with fire here, and risks losing you and his daughter.
Finally, HE has to get his mother out of your marriage......quickly.

Please take this post as it is meant...........to try and wake your husband up.

Best of luck.

Daniel.
Daniel
 
Posts: 6006
Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 5:49 am
Location: Ireland
Machine: Philips Respironics System One Auto
Mask: ResMed Micro Nasal Mask
Humidifier: No
Year Diagnosed: 1993

Postby Linda » Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:47 pm

Yikes, you are in a difficult position.

Hmmm, you might ask his mother or other relatives of his if they have any of the symptoms, because sleep apnea often runs in families!

Even if it WERE a weight thing...... with untreated sleep apnea, it's almost impossible to lose the weight without being treated. It's partly because of the lack of energy from the sleep and blood oxygen deprivation, but it is also because of hormone issues which are affected during untreat sleep apnea. As Daniel indicated, ask him if he's been able to lose any weight on his own lately. Ask him if he wants to lose weight. Tell him to use cpap as a form of weight control aid, then if after he's lost a certain number of pounds, then he can decide whether or not to keep using cpap. ...... But is there anyone else you know who might talk to him, like a friend or clergy or anyone he trusts (besides his mother)? Sometimes it helps if the prodding comes from someone else.


Linda
User avatar
Linda
 
Posts: 6044
Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2005 12:54 pm
Location: Maryland

Postby LTee43 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:54 pm

For some of us, weight doesn't have anything to do with OSA. I snored as bad at 160 lbs as I did at 230 lbs. With the CPAP for over 2 years, my weight is still the same. I resisted the CPAP for around 9 years.

I had every excuse in the world, but no one made excuses for me. I had to hit my bottom, which I understand is common for a lot of us. I was at the end of the proverbial rope and before I lost my job or fell asleep driving, I decided it was time.

I'd keep hammering on him, sooner of later he's going to give in. The thing with his mother siding with him is a real bad sign though.

LT
No, I wasn't sleeping. I was checking my eyelids for pinholes!
Equipment: Resmed S8 Escape, Resmed Swift Fx 61500 Nasal Pillows Mask
LTee43
 
Posts: 210
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 9:28 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Postby jrinker » Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:21 pm

I absolutely agree with Daniel. Tough love - start gathering all the insurance papers and make sure they are all in order and tell him that you need to be sure he has adequate life insurance coverage to provide for you in the event of his death, and some good disability insurance, in case he has a stroke and needs long term care.

I would even go a step further and tell him that your daughter can no longer ride with him when he is driving, as he may fall asleep at the wheel and have an accident.

Yep, he's gonna get mad. Let him. Remain calm and just tell him that you are thinking of your and your daughter's future. It's one thing to ignore hi sleep apnea and endanger his own health and future, but he needs to know that you are not going to let him do that to you or your daughter.

I hope he listens, for all your sakes.

Regards
jrinker
Resmed Vpap Adapt SV Enhanced, Respironics Fit Life total face mask, Forma full face mask.
Complex apnea, original AHI 80
User avatar
jrinker
 
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2009 11:53 am
Machine: Resmed Adapt SV Enhanced
Mask: Respironics Fit Life
Humidifier: Yes
Year Diagnosed: 2009

Postby Sleepytime » Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:24 am

Maybe someone can correct me on this, but isn't there a possibility that even though your husband was diagnosed with mild to moderate sleep apnea it could get worse?

I can't add to anything that's already been said, but I certainly agree with it. His anger must be a defense for something, fear perhaps. So many people don't like using the CPAP because of the way it looks, because of what their spouse thinks--which isn't an issue here--or have the mistaken belief that it's something it isn't, oxygen, for example.

If an alcoholic refuses to stop drinking, all his family can do is take care of themselves. I think the same it true for you and your daughter. As Daniel and Drinker have said, it might be wise to make plans in the event something should happen to him. Sleep apnea isn't anything to fool with, as you know.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

Debbie
Sleepytime
 
Posts: 233
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:30 pm

Postby efmrrt » Sun Nov 28, 2010 3:46 pm

Tough situation. If he has mild sleep apnea, weight loss may help, there are other treatments that don't require cpap for mild OSA. He should at least go for a follow up and find out what is going on. Unfortunately I have seen marriages end do to this. Maybe take a break for a little bit then re approach the subject.

Good luck and best wishes. We are here for you.
efmrrt
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:25 am
Location: Syracuse, NY

Re: Husband just diagnosised - refuses treatment

Postby Todzo » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:41 am

sugarhoney wrote:My husband just had a sleep study done a couple of weeks ago where they found he has mild sleep apnea.
I don't know anymore than this because me husband refuses to go back there to find out the full results and get fitted for the machine.
He thinks it is all because he is overweight and says he has no health issues (with his heart or blood pressure) and that sleep apnea doesn't cause a problem in men his age (35). Basically he is in denial.

We have been married for 2 years and lived together for the past 3.5 years. During this whole time we have slept in different rooms because I can't stand his loud breathing.
He has many problems caused by the lack of sleep, but he has a different excuse for each thing.
He is depressed but blames it on his job
He has a short temper but blames it on his ADHD
He is tired in the morning and naps between 1-2pm everyday but blames it on his work schedule and that because he doesn't get home until 11pm he can't fall asleep until 1am, then our daughter wakes him up between 8-9am.

I asked him to at least go for his appt to go over the results so we could at least see what we are dealing with, but he refuses and just yells saying he never wanted to do the sleep study in the first place, but says I forced him (I mentioned his sleep issues to our primary doctor last month during our PE, she then decided it was a good idea for him to do the sleep study).
He thinks if he just loses the weight it will go away. I am not to sure since when I first started sleeping with him he had issues with his breathing in his sleep and he was thin then (he is like 100lb more now). Doesn't help that his mother is on his side. She even phoned to cancel the sleep study the day before he was suppose to go - lying saying he was sick and telling me he doesn't have sleep apnea and doesn't need it. I had to phone the place back and tell them to ignore the previous call from his mother. I was so happy that he was diagnosised with it because then I got to prove her wrong, unfortunately now she just plays the weight card and says it is just because he is overweight and he really doesn't have sleep apnea.

So is there anything I can do? Or am I forced to sleep in separate rooms from my husband for the rest of our lives? I asked him to think about our daughter and at least try the mask, but he flat out refuses and then gets very angry so I can't even bring the subject up.


Hi sugarhoney!

Being in shelter and coming to understand how complications of OSA had brought me to that point I bought a pulse oximeter and a netbook with windows on it (by that time I was in transitional housing). My grand plan was to have those around me who likely had gotten to the same humbling place in their lives as I had in the same untreated OSA way borrow the pulse oximeter a night, go over the results with them, and see their lives improved by treatment.

A couple of the men I talked to talked to their doctors, got treatment, and experienced various levels of improvement. Of those who actually did wear the pulse oximeter for a night NONE had pursued treatment even though the pulse oximetery reports clearly showed desaturations (rather deep and often) in the year or so I still had contact with them.

Fear, I understand, has torment. So people tend to run away from what they fear. It took me a year or so to start to study OSA, simply, it took time to gather the courage.

Currently several of my family members show signs of OSA. Some I am not close enough to talk with, some I have offered the pulse oximeter. Some, I hope will respond to an encouraging word from me now and then. Some I hope to become closer to so I can talk with. Some, I know, will simply learn best by concrete life experience so I simply wait for a teachable moment (which I hope is not after a car accident or similar).

I think the only bit of wisdom I might speak to you is this, if you take better care of yourself, you will make it a bit easier for him to take care of himself.

I hope eventually this draws you closer together,

Todzo
Todzo
 
Posts: 685
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:41 am
Location: Seattle, WA

Re: husband diagnosed refuses treatment PLEASE READ Sugarhon

Postby sanjsue13 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:28 pm

I read your post & your husband sounds so eerily like mine. I hope you read this & print it out for him to read. My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea in 2006. He was fitted with a BIPAP machine & after a few days said he was not going to wear it because he felt stupid. A year later in 2007 he was going to have his tonsils out & they couldn't because he now had very high blood pressure. A few months later after further testing it was discovered his heart was enlarged & not pumping good. He refused further testing & said he was fine. Well he would take his blood pressure pills on & off. When he would get laid off & we would lose our health insurance he would say we couldn't afford it & not take them. Well, he got very bad sick this Oct. & finally went to the er & he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure & AFIB. He finally started doing what the doctors told him but his heart was so badly damaged it was difficult. He was on 8 different medications & he passed away December 10 just a few weeks ago. Because he was only 44 they are doing an autopsy but I believe it was his heart just stopped. He has always been overweight but he was as strong as an ox & could lift up engines & do lots of things. But I truly believe his sleep apnea caused his heart to get worse & worse over the years. His sleep apnea was very bad & I would wake up many times in the middle of the night to nudge him so he would start breathing again. We have an 8 year old boy and I know if my husband could do it over again, he would have used his machine every night. And after he was diagnosed with CHF a couple months ago he did wear it every night. Please tell your husband to just do what the doctors say. I cry every single day & this is the worst pain I have ever had. God Bless. Sandy
sanjsue13
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:20 pm

Postby Mrs Rip Van Winkle » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:37 pm

Oh sanjsue13, I am so sorry to hear of this. My heart, love and prayers are with you. Thank you so much for posting this...hopefully your words will help others. Please feel free to post in any of the ASAA forums if you feel it will make a difference in another persons life. Again, my heart is with you...my prayers are for you and your family. I too just lost a loved one...he would not go for the sleep study. It may of not made a difference in his case..but I feel it would have helped his issues if caught and treated early enough.
I'm only a sufferer, not a medical pro. What I post are my thoughts as a sufferer, not that of the ASAA. As a moderator on these forums I oversee the posting rules. This is the internet, always discuss what you read with your medical team.
User avatar
Mrs Rip Van Winkle
 
Posts: 4246
Joined: Thu Jun 08, 2006 11:54 am
Location: Nature Coast, Florida
Machine: M Series Auto BiPAP
Mask: Masks Vary
Humidifier: Yes

Re: husband diagnosed refuses treatment PLEASE READ Sugarhon

Postby LTee43 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:19 pm

sanjsue13 wrote:I read your post & your husband sounds so eerily like mine. I hope you read this & print it out for him to read. My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea in 2006. He was fitted with a BIPAP machine & after a few days said he was not going to wear it because he felt stupid. A year later in 2007 he was going to have his tonsils out & they couldn't because he now had very high blood pressure. A few months later after further testing it was discovered his heart was enlarged & not pumping good. He refused further testing & said he was fine. Well he would take his blood pressure pills on & off. When he would get laid off & we would lose our health insurance he would say we couldn't afford it & not take them. Well, he got very bad sick this Oct. & finally went to the er & he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure & AFIB. He finally started doing what the doctors told him but his heart was so badly damaged it was difficult. He was on 8 different medications & he passed away December 10 just a few weeks ago. Because he was only 44 they are doing an autopsy but I believe it was his heart just stopped. He has always been overweight but he was as strong as an ox & could lift up engines & do lots of things. But I truly believe his sleep apnea caused his heart to get worse & worse over the years. His sleep apnea was very bad & I would wake up many times in the middle of the night to nudge him so he would start breathing again. We have an 8 year old boy and I know if my husband could do it over again, he would have used his machine every night. And after he was diagnosed with CHF a couple months ago he did wear it every night. Please tell your husband to just do what the doctors say. I cry every single day & this is the worst pain I have ever had. God Bless. Sandy


This is very sad and I know of 3 people with untreated OSA that passed away. Two in their sleep and one due to a car accident, he fell asleep driving. The two that died in their sleep, the cause of death was heart attacks, no one ever mentioned SA that I'm aware of. The one in the car accident I knew well and I was on him to get it checked out, but he knew better. Unfortunately, it is a not-so-silent killer and people still make jokes about people who snore all the time.

LT
No, I wasn't sleeping. I was checking my eyelids for pinholes!
Equipment: Resmed S8 Escape, Resmed Swift Fx 61500 Nasal Pillows Mask
LTee43
 
Posts: 210
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 9:28 am
Location: Long Island, NY



  • Site Supporter

  • Similar topics
    Replies
    Views
    Author

Return to A Place for Spouses

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests