Thank you for your strong spirit. I can see you are a strong person than I. I'm kind of unravelling right now. My fingers are shaking. and when I lay down, my body shakes. This is probably because I am fatigued from not sleeping well the past 3 days, and also because I am getting very scared of having serious health problems.
2 Years ago, I was overweight, and wrote in my journal how important it was for me to drop 30 lbs. As I read each entry, I am sickened by myself because I failed to make good on that plan. And here I am, 2 years later, still 30 lbs overweight. Maybe 2 years ago, I didn't have this severe Apnea, but I think I also had problems breathing back then too. But my body was able to "take it". Now, I have chest pains. I seriously think I have real heart problems. I know I should set up an appointment to get this all checked out. But I don't want to hear the news out of fear that the doctor is going to tell me something like heart failure or something like that.
Honestly, I remeber in Dec 2007, one night, I woke up and I thought I was going to die. My nose was blocked, and my throat was so parched I couldn't swallow. And I felt like I was dying because I did not breathe. And I've had several incidents like that this winter. Where I wake up, and I feel sooo sick.
So I think I have many problems. And that is why I am so nervous. THe worst thing is to find out I have cancer, or some heart disease. Even having to use a CPAP machine is extremely depressing. I wasn't like this at age 22. I hate to say it but some nights, I am so miserable, I don't want to live. But I'm not suicidal. Its just that right now, the quality of my life is so extremely bad healthwise, and it's too much for me to take.
Probably if I do have all these things, it's my fault. I should've listened to myself 2 years ago, and lost weight, and ate right, and exercised. Instead I did the opposite.
No wonder I've had high blood pressure this past year! because I think it is related to Sleep Apnea!
It is all making sense to me now. I just wonder why the Doctor did not have me take a sleep test earlier instead of waiting for an entire year.