Hi,

I feel like I am at my wits end. I am a 31-year-old woman and I have met an amazing man--he is perfect in nearly every way. We have dated for about 6 months but I am at my wits end with the snoring. I haven't said anything (he warned me--jokingly before we spent our first night together) but I simply cannot sleep anymore. It is so loud and jarring. He doesn't flail around in his sleep or anything but he is an incredibly heavy sleeper. He has had surgery for the snoring which for whatever reason didn't work--I don't know the details because he is so self-conscious about this I try not to pry or make him feel weird about it. For awhile I took sleeping pills but I think my body has gotten used to the sleeping pills and now I just get exhausted but because of the noise still can't fall asleep. We live about 300 miles apart (I am a graduate student) and I get no sleep when I am with him and I feel like it is creating this wedge between us. I get so tired and I can't get my work done during the day. I usually have to take a nap. He lives in a one bedroom apartment and there is nowhere else to sleep although most often I end up on his couch and then sneak back into bed before he wakes up. It just seems so silly of a thing to drive us apart but I find myself looking for excuses to not visit because I know I won't sleep and I will get behind in my work. Sometimes at night I just want to cry :(  I don't want to lose him--he is sweet, kind, generous, funny, brilliant and loving. But I can't sleep with him! And because we don't live in the same neighborhood I can't just go home for the night. And of course were we to get married...which I think we both see as a possibility...oh I just can't imagine dealing with this for the rest of my life. I know I can bring this up to him and I will--I guess I am just looking for a place to talk and get support. It's hard to love someone but feel tortured almost at night.

Molly,

We feel your pain.  Most of us know that lack of sleep hurts all of us!  

You didn't mention if he also stops breathing for a few seconds or even mintes.  Does he?  

Have you tried tape recording him?  If not, do so, and play it back for him.  He needs a work-up from a sleep doc and sleep lab.

I married a man who developed terrible sleep apnea, but he didn't have the problem at the time of the marriage.  By age 40 it was terrible !!! He denied the problem and only went to a sleep doc after I tape recorded his LACK of breathing.  The sleep lab recorded over 150 episodes during the night.  

Loud snoring is also something a sleep doc, or NEW sleep doc should explore.

He sounds like a keeper, and I admire your persistence for wanting to help him.  You're precious too!

Just keep talking, and do all the tacful things like leaving articles about it lying around. Mention that he might no have sleep apnea, he might just need a mouth guard from a denis or some either mino thing to egain the sillness of night. Anyway nothing gained by ignoring it, especially since it could really be dangerous. And if he is a nice man wouldn't it be good to keep him around fo a while... keep bringing up the subjec gently and buy some earplugs until he is ready for a sleep study.


_________________
Arthur
Sleeping with a curvaceous blonde autoPAP (Resmed autoset). Hope springs eternal.....