A SLEEP ODYSSEY

TO SNORE OR NOT?,
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
THE SPECIALIST
HAS THIS SUGGESTION.

UVULOPALATOPHARYNGOPLASTY,
CAN IT, STOP A SNORE THAT’S NASTY?.
MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT A TRY,
COULDN’T “APNEA” NICER GUY.

THE TONSILS GO TOO
FOR THEM THAT HAS’EM,
THE THROAT BECOMES
AN EMPTY CHASM.

TO PLEASE MY WIFE AT 33,
I WOULD HAVE HAD A VASECTOMY.
NOW AT SIXTY OR THEREABOUT
I’M GOING TO HAVE MY TONSILS OUT.

A POUND OF FLESH HE’LL TAKE AWAY,
UPON THIS VERY FOURTH OF MAY,
‘CAUSE IF I DON’T REDUCE THE TONE,
PERCHANCE TO DREAM AND SLEEP ALONE.

TO LOSE MY LITTLE UVULA?,
MY PULSE BEGAN TO QUICKEN,
I NOW BECAME THE “COLONEL’S” DREAM,
A 210 POUND CHICKEN.

I’VE CONSIDERED ALL THE OPTIONS,
OF  FEW THAT ARE LEFT TO ME,
ONE OF THEM SOUNDS AWFUL,
A TRACHEOSTOMY!.

I PONDER NOW MY SNORE TO KEEP,
AS I ONLY DO IT WHEN I’M ASLEEP,
AND IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
 I PRAY THE LORD ,MY SNORE TO TAKE.

I SAW THE “DOC’,
EXPLAINED MY PLIGHT,
 AND HE OBLIGINGLY,
SENT ME SOUTH TO CHECK MY MOUTH,
AND TEST FOR “APENEE”

(To be continued after the Sleep Clinic) (only if you want me to) :O) John

(Obstructive sleep apnea is a serious condition . This type of problem is often overlooked by young married couples. When you get older, the “snoree” is  worried that he or she may be left completely alone, when the “snorer” stops breathing completely, sometimes for minutes at a time, during an episode.)

LOL. Very nice. You brought a smile to my face this afternoon.  

LOVE it, ole Ancient one! Do be sure to bring us up to date after your titration w/another such ditty!


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Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Resmed VPAP Auto. Humidaire 3i, Simplicity & Micro masks, ResScan 3.4, S8 ResLink, Embla oximeter.

THE SLEEP CLINIC

YOU BREATHE IN TUBES,
AS YOUNG MAIDS URGE,
WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS,
TO HAVE YOU BLOW YOUR LUNGS APART.

THEN TO THE NEXT, WHERE IN YOUR NOSE,
A NICE YOUNG MAN STICKS UP A HOSE,
WHILE YOU’RE SITTING IN A BOX,
JUST LIKE A SAUNA, COMPLETE WITH LOCKS.

AFTER THIS,
YOU DISCUSS YOUR LIFE, WITH A SPECIALIST,
WHO SAYS THE PROBLEM’S
NOT YOUR WIFE, IT’S YOU!

LIFE’S PROBLEMS,
STEM FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES,
A MAJOR ONE OF THESE,
OF COURSE IS SNORING.

A HEARING TEST?
MY FACE IS RED,
I HARDLY HEARD,
A WORD THEY SAID.

NEXT,
AN ANESTHETIC COAT,
A PROBE AND LIGHT,
GOES DOWN YOUR THROAT.

THIS OPERATION,
I CANNOT SEE,
I THINK HE JUST ,
WENT PAST MY KNEE!

HERE IS ONE,
I ALMOST MISSED,
I’M OFF,
TO SEE THE ALLERGIST.

CATS AND TREES,
POLLEN AND RUST,
THE CAT WILL GO,
AND GO IT MUST.

MY WIFE ,
WILL TOO,
IF SHE HAS TO DUST,
THE FURNITURE.

NOT HER,
FAVOURITE OCCUPATION,
I NOW WAIT,
IN ANTICIPATION.
OF BEING WIRED FOR SOUND,
AND LIKES,
ON A LUMPY BED,
IN OLD ST. MIKES.

PEOPLE DRESSED,
IN NEW PAJAMAS,
TRYING TO SOLVE,
THEIR SLEEPING TRAUMAS.

IN A ROOM,
NEXT DOOR THERE LIES,
A LADY WHO IS,
TWICE MY SIZE.

I’D NEVER SAY,
THAT SHE IS FAT,
SIZE 42?
AND THAT’S HER HAT.

IF WE SNORE,
IN UNISON,
THE NURSE,
WILL NEED HER EARPLUGS IN.

THEY SAY,
IN SOMETHING EACH EXCELS,
I DO!
70 DECIBELS.

THE TROUBLE’S FOUND,
SOME CONSOLATION,
MY WIFE’S,
ON WORKMEN’S COMPENSATION.

FOR HEARING LOSS,
YEARS OF SLEEPING NEXT TO ME,
HAVE MADE HER REALLY DEAF,
YOU SEE.

AN AIR DEVICE,
IS THE SOLUTION,
BEFORE I’M SUED,
FOR NOISE POLLUTION.
John

Ach, John. Such pleasure these little ditties provide!! Good going! Keep 'em coming.


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Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Resmed VPAP Auto. Humidaire 3i, Simplicity & Micro masks, ResScan 3.4, S8 ResLink, Embla oximeter.

Thanks  Crohnie  (I told you this was an "Epic":O)
 Actually I wrote these over sixteen years ago while I was still working and had nothing to do I guess.:O)  I have little time for poetry now that I am well retired.
 Sleep Apnea masks and  machines we have to live with and I don't mind at all now. In fact I am comforted by the constant blowing.  I hope this bit of levity encourages the non-wearers to believe that they do help.
You have to try different masks to find one that is comfortable. The early ones, like the noisy machines, were not.
The first nose bud affair was pretty bad and you had to wear a hat like the one the Pope wears with a tube going over the top of your head.:O) It pulled the nostrils upwards.:O(
I believe if I had continued to use it I would now  look like a pig and you would be able to stare up my nose from the front.:O) In my early days the RT did home visits.:O) Now it is an appointment wait of two weeks for me to see anyone in the office. :O)
[
u]MY NOSE (The Aftermath)[/u]

A young man came up to our door,
to fit a mask to cure my snore.

He sized my nose from large to small,
I knew there was no doubt at all,
it was big!!

He used a gauge that was quite precise,
he tried it once,
he tried it twice.

The largest hole was far too great,
my pleasure you’ll appreciate,
when he tried the next size down,
he smiled knowingly, and then a frown.

To position number three he went,
to try to gauge my facial vent.

A thrill of delight I could not hide,
he said “You’re only medium-wide!?”

The air still leaked out around my face,
when this size he tried,
so again he used the next below,
I almost died with pride,
I’m medium!

To go through life in nasal shock,
with a nose so big that people talk,
then at sixty-two to find,
the largeness was only in my mind.

John,
You made me laugh out loud!  Thanks much!  
Grandma


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ResMed Quattro Full Face Mask
ResMed S8 Escape with heated humidifier
Pressure set at 11

Thanks Grandma There is more but I must be away to my CPAP :O) I don't sleep in the day now
Goodnight, John

I am serious about the CPAP program and its benefits but in the beginning the frustrations were there, as shown in the next stanza
John

C.P.A.P.
( Rhymes with  Sea-!@#!)
(Continuous positive airway pressure)

The daftest thing ever invented,
is a device that blows air
up your nose.
It sits on a table,
by the side of the bed
and connects to a mask with a hose.

  As I lay here alone each night,
trying to sleep,
and the mask leaks it’s air in my eyes,
I dream about how things,
once used to be,
 and how little did I realize.

That my wife would leave me,
not because of my snore,
but due to an infernal pump.
I contemplate now,
of  shorting it out,
to an unrecognizable lump.

They say in this life,
there are widows,
would be glad of a good manly snore,
there aren’t too many,
on earth I would bet,
would put up with a C. P.A.P. machines’ roar.

I cannot imagine,
the rest of my life,
spent in such a dismal condition,
why should this evil,
malevolent thing,
cause me such awful perdition?



2.
There! I’ve done it!
At last it’s all quiet,
and that’s how it will be when I go,
if I stop breathing now,
I’ll be stopping for good,
there’ll be no one beside me to know.

You realize,
I’m only joking,
about most of the things I have said,
it’s only,
that I’m getting desperate,
to entice you back to our bed.

The machine,
will go out the window,
the mask, on a hook by the door,
you can always slip away quietly,
if you can’t get to sleep,
for my snore.

For better or worse,
you must have me,
I’m afraid it is worse it must be,
you said that you’d love me,
with all of my faults,
not stop when I’m sixty-three.

John McCormick Bass Lake 1993

( Note : CPAP is actually a marvelous machine for sleep apnea. Here it is, 12 years down the road  in 2005  and I am still using it. I don’t know, if I still snore as I sleep alone  )

Yer on a roll, John. I'm enjoying these immensely.


_________________
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Resmed VPAP Auto. Humidaire 3i, Simplicity & Micro masks, ResScan 3.4, S8 ResLink, Embla oximeter.

Fun. It's wonderful to laugh at ourselves and the obstacles we have to work through in creative ways. You did that very well. :)  

I tried to do the same thing with my write up on my "First Night's Adventures" that I posted earlier this week. It just fun to be able to chuckle.

Thanks for the smile and laugh.

EPILOGUE
I’M NOW A CYBORG,
PART MACHINE,
CONNECTED TO A CAN,
WITH WIRES AND LEADS, AND PUMPS, AND THINGS,
A 1500 DOLLAR MAN.
THE MASK, MACHINE, AND ALL THE BITS,
GO EVERYWHERE I GO,
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF PRACTICE,
I COULD WORK WITH JACQUES COUSTEAU,
OLD JACQUES AND I COULD PLUMB THE DEPTHS,
OF SOME FORGOTTEN DEEP,
WITH ONE CONSIDERATION,
THAT I BE FAST ASLEEP.

EPITAPH TO A MAN AND HIS POSITIVE AIRFLOW DEVICE

HERE LIES POOR JOHN,
HE’S QUIET NOW,
A SLEEP MASK ON HIS NOSE,
HIS AIR PUMP IS STILL PUMPING,
BUT HE STRANGLED ON THE HOSE.
John
 
It has been fun to add a wee bit  of fun to this  forum which is usually sad and serious. It is a serious subject. Poor old Jaques Cousteau is gone now too, so this may be lost on younger Apneans :O) Thanks John

AA,

I am loving your poems.  You know you have to keep going now right?  

Vicki


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That which does not kill you makes you stronger-Friedrich Nietzsche
Friedrich must of had apnea.

Thanks Vicki .. Lucrenda. Grandma.. Violet.. and Chronie2.. and all ... Glad you enjoyed my poem. but you see I died in the last chapter. :O) I probably should have died in the first. :O)  I have  retired from writing about masks and things. I enjoy doing poems when they are appropriate. I feel one coming on about "Strange Leakage in the Night with my  Ultra Mirage Mask by Resmed". It is called " port venting" :O)  Goodnight John

Bravo!!! I am still laughing!
Grandma


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ResMed Quattro Full Face Mask
ResMed S8 Escape with heated humidifier
Pressure set at 11